Archive for 2015

Mom: En­joy the Army, Sweet­ie

High school kid: I’m think­ing of stay­ing in the city for school.
Friend: Re­al­ly?
High school kid: Yeah, I kin­da want to stay in my apart­ment.
Friend: Oh, I thought it would be to par­ty or some­thing. Why would you want to live at home?
High school kid: Oh, don’t wor­ry, I’m go­ing to kick my mom out first.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: court­ney

On the Plus Side, You Know How to Di­vide Your Legs.

Girl #1: How do you find the area of a tri­an­gle again?
Girl #2: Add the bot­tom and top sides and mul­ti­ply the sum by the height. Then di­vide every­thing by two.
Girl #1: Oh yeah! I can’t be­lieve I for­got that, I’m so stu­pid. Thanks!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Celia Kim

Wednes­day One-Lin­er — As Seen in Com­ing to Amer­i­ca

Lit­tle British girl: Mum­my, I ab­solute­ly love Queens. It is like be­ing in the city, but you are re­al­ly still in the coun­try­side!

–As­to­ria

Over­heard by: has ac­tu­al­ly been to the coun­try­side

Hip­ster to hip­ster friends: I could nev­er live in a place called Queens.

–Ave B & E 4th St

Over­heard by: PROUD QUEENS NA­TIVE…

Con­duc­tor: You may al­so trans­fer here to the g train to Queens. Queens, which was named af­ter Fred­die Mer­cury.

–F Train

Loud re­cent­ly re­leased pas­sen­ger: I love Queens. Love Queens. I don’t want to be locked up any­where but Queens.

–Metro North Rail

Over­heard by: bun­bury

Wednes­day One-Mi­nors

Sev­en-year-old boy to fa­ther: Did you know that when you get in­to mid­dle school, all the girls care about is whether you’re rich and have a cute ass? In el­e­men­tary school, they on­ly care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls.

–Flush­ing, Queens

Over­heard by: Tara

Small boy to teacher in in­creas­ing­ly pan­icky voice: Is this Nar­nia? We’re not Nar­ni­ans yet, right?!

–NYU Kim­mel Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Nar­nia @ NYU?

Five-year-old to three-year-old broth­er: Lis­ten, we’re go­ing to have food all win­ter. It’s hi­ber­na­tion. You know what hi­ber­na­tion is, don’t you? Hi­ber­na­tion is when an­i­mals eat a lot of food and sleep all win­ter. We’re gonna hi­ber­nate!

–M104 Bus

Over­heard by: Saman­tha

Lit­tle kid: Grand­ma, smell this! It’s Ob­ses­sion for Men!

–Bergdorf Good­man

Sob­bing five-year-old girl to mom in CD sec­tion: I wan­na down­load, I don’t wan­na waste my mon­ey.

–Bor­ders, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Can records la­bels sue tod­dlers?

The Judges Sav­aged His Last Per­for­mance

Four-year-old girl on tri­cy­cle: Why don’t you make more ba­bies?
Yup­pie moth­er: Be­cause Dad­dy made you and your broth­er, and he thinks he did a pret­ty good job.
Four-year-old girl: But Mom­my, do you want to make more ba­bies?
Yup­pie moth­er: Well, it takes two to tan­go!
Yup­pie fa­ther: [Si­lence.]

–23rd & 8th

… With a Cam­corder

Dis­traught woman: So, you know, I got a flat tire… Not on the Hon­da, you know, the Vol­vo.
Friend: Right.
Dis­traught woman: Well, this guy comes over to help me, but it turns out he on­ly stopped be­cause he was a foot fetishist…

–1 train

Over­heard by: prob­a­bly why she was on the sub­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers from H‑E Dou­ble Hock­ey Sticks

Guy look­ing at books, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: I don’t want to hear or see any­thing about the dev­il, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: 153

Guy hawk­ing pam­phlets: How to suck­er punch the dev­il right in the ass!

–W 12th & Brod­way

Over­heard by: Why did­n’t I get that pam­phlet?!

Cowork­er about col­league: Every time he comes by here the num­ber 666 comes up.

–1250 Broad­way

Punk kid, walk­ing past a group of nuns: Hail Sa­tan!

–Wa­ver­ly & Greene

Pro­fes­sor: I don’t want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I’ll meet in­ter­est­ing peo­ple there!

–Coop­er Union, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Hope­ful­ly not me!

Crazy old­er la­dy scream­ing on cell: You what? You are buy­ing so­da? You are go­ing to go to fuck­ing hell! Don’t you re­mem­ber the promise you made to god? You’re prob­a­bly stand­ing in line with some god­damn can­dy too. You are go­ing to hell!

–W Train

Over­heard by: DR G LUV