Archive for 2015

Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Sag­ging

Man on phone: If I took off my pants and a duck flew out still no one would give a fuck about me.

–W 4th & Mer­cer

Over­heard by: Em­lay

Girl on cell: Mom! You don’t need pants to get a job!

–72nd & Colum­bus

Woman on cell: So she’s stand­ing in the lob­by of the Ritz-Carl­ton with­out any pants on!

–8th Ave

White girl: I re­al­ized I was the on­ly white per­son there so I put my pants on and left.

–83rd & 2nd

Yes, but Pre­ma­ture­ly

Sub­way sand­wich mak­er: What size? 6″ or foot-long?
Old­er suit: How big is 6″, lemme see?
Sub­way sand­wich mak­er, dead­pan: It’s 6″ inch­es long, sir. (holds up bread)
Old­er suit: That’s what I want, not too big. Does that come with let­tuce?

–33rd & 10th

Over­heard by: since when does it not come with let­tuce?!

Some­times He Even Gets a Bear Claw

15-year-old boy #1: So, like, I know they used whales for, like, their blub­ber and shit, but I thought there was some­thing else they killed ’em for.
15-year-old boy #2: Dum­b­ass. They kill whales for their tusks, every­body knows that!
15-year-old boy #1: Oh, right… But I thought that’s what ele­phants were for.
15-year-old boy #2: Nope. Their ears.
15-year-old boy #1, baf­fled: Their ears?!
15-year-old boy #2: Yep, my dad goes down to the bak­ery every Sun­day and gets an ele­phant ear and a cof­fee. I swear.
15-year-old boy #1: That’s some fucked-up shit!

–Faye’s Star­bucks

Over­heard by: Stop ele­phant cru­el­ty! Save the ele­phant ears!

If Will and Grace Had Been a Ca­ble Show

Guy: So did you ever hear back from that guy who stood you up last week?
Girl: Yeah, ac­tu­al­ly he got stuck with his kids.
Guy: Kids? He’s mar­ried?
Girl: Di­vorced, ac­tu­al­ly.
Guy: Wow, what a looser…I bet he has her­pes.
Girl: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he re­al­ly stood me up be­cause he was fuck­ing you in the ass and got her­pes.

–Fi­gar­ro’s Restau­rant

Ele­phant Man II: Ap­ple Girl

Girl #1: You know you can spell your name R‑A-C-H-L‑E too, right?
Girl #2: That’s Rach-lee.
Girl #1: No, the way it sounds lis­ten to the LE, like “ap­ple”. You don’t spell ap­ple A‑P-P-E‑L.
Girl #2: Yeah, but that’s dumb be­cause I am not an ap­ple.

–Sheepshead Bay sta­tion

Over­heard by: Lena Ner

She’s Griev­ing, You Bitch!

Skank: Oh, god… It’s just so sad. I mean, that fuck­ah was just so young. He got so many women. Why he had to die?
Woman try­ing to talk on cell: Oh, well I’m sor­ry to hear that.
Skank: I mean, I woul­da done any­thing for him… Any­thing at all… Great fuck… Great fuck­ah… Sad. [Train stops.] I got­ta go.
Woman, back to caller: Hun? Sor­ry about that. Some girl would­n’t stop talk­ing. I think she was go­ing to the first fu­ner­al that did­n’t take place in her womb.

–A train

He Had a Three Foot Proof of In­tel­li­gent De­sign

20-ish guy: I wish I had a gi-nor­mous cock. I mean, a cock the size of a base­ball bat.
20-ish girl: What would you do with it? No woman could fit it in.
20-ish guy: Does­n’t mat­ter. If I had a cock that big I’d nev­er have to ar­gue with any­one again.
20-ish girl: How do you fig­ure that?
20-ish guy: If some­one dis­agreed with me I would take out my 34-inch cock, flip it up on the ta­ble like a mu­tant Chateaubriand and make a face like this [makes a ‘So there!’ face].
20s-ish girl: So, let me get this straight: You think that a gi­ant pe­nis trumps a log­i­cal ar­gu­ment?
20-ish guy: Well, does­n’t it? Like with that guy you met in Aru­ba last win­ter?
20-ish girl, af­ter long stare: I told you nev­er to men­tion that again.

–Bar, Man­hat­tan Ave, Green­point

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry