Archive for 2015

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Take Up Hob­bies

Mid­dle-aged woman: I re­al­ly nev­er cared for ski­ing, but I was so alone in my mar­riage, I found it was a great way to meet men.

–Bur­ri­toville, 77th & 2nd

Meat­head #1, to meat­head #2: Hey! Want to go to a ball­room club?

–47th & Madi­son

Guy, to passers­by: Game of chess? Play chess? Chess?…Also got chron­ic.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: Phil

Af­ter She Re­tired from Cos­by, Stills, and Nash

Mid­dle aged woman #1: I saw that woman of The Cos­by Show near Wall Street yes­ter­day.
Mid­dle aged woman #2: Wow, you did not! Which one?
Mid­dle aged woman #1: Whoopi Goldberg–the one that was mar­ried to Bill Cos­by in the show!
Mid­dle aged woman #2: Oh yeah, I re­mem­ber her. I think she changed her name to Whoopi Cos­by now.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Do­ra Olaf­s­son

One Might Even Say You’re Nuts.

Girl #1: I want choco­late.
Girl #2: So get some choco­late.
Girl #1: I’m go­ing to get some m&ms. The peanut ones.
Girl #2: But the plain ones are choco­laty-er.
Girl #1: But if I just eat the choco­late off the peanuts, and then throw the peanuts away, then I’m on­ly eat­ing half the calo­ries!
Girl #2: You’re stu­pid.
Girl #1: No! (shows girl #2 the nu­tri­tion­al in­fo on the back of both pack­ets)
Girl #2: Yes.

–New York Times Cafe­te­ria

What Kind Of Man Has Fe­male Friends?

Queer #1: I just don’t get him at all.
Queer #2: Se­ri­ous­ly! It’s like he wants to be bi­sex­u­al, but with­out the sex­u­al.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: tchas­sis

Wednes­days Make You Want to Have One-Lin­ers of Your Own

Lit­tle white boy to frus­trat­ed black nan­ny who is try­ing to hail a cab: My dad­dy al­ways gets a taxi!

–Hous­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Dan

Lit­tle boy: This place is like a dead zoo.

–Amer­i­can Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Four-year-old boy: Yo, this so­fa is mad com­fy!

–Used Fur­ni­ture Store, Stat­en Is­land

Four-year-old boy: That’s enough, I’m call­ing In­ter­pol!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Swar­les

Lit­tle girl to mom af­ter ter­ri­ble Skyride at­trac­tion: Mom­my, can we nev­er do this again?
(ran­dom guy be­hind her starts laugh­ing) Stop it! Stop laugh­ing at me!

–Em­pire State Build­ing

Over­heard by: Claire

Eight-year-old boy: This mu­se­um is in­ap­pro­pri­ate.

–The Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art, Greek & Ro­man Sculp­ture Wing

Over­heard by: Tay­lor

Con­ven­tion­al Vi­o­lence Solves Every­thing

Hip­ster #1: I think he just want­ed to go out in the street and have a hip­ster fight about it.
Hip­ster #2: What is that? They see who can eat the least amount of food?
Hip­ster #3: No, they see who can squeeze in­to the tini­est pants.
Hip­ster #1: That’s fun­ny, but I don’t see how that solves any­thing.
Hip­ster #3: What­ev­er — fuck­ing hip­sters.

–Crash Man­sion on Bow­ery

Dorks: Want to Be Jab­ba the Hutt? Here’s How!

Chick #1: I am so pa­thet­ic.
Chick #2: You are not pa­thet­ic! If you and I lived to­geth­er and did noth­ing but eat choco­late, gua­camole and chips and ice cream and play Nin­ten­do, and we end­ed up weigh­ing 500 pounds each, but hav­ing weird­ly toned hands and fore­arms from the Nin­ten­do play­ing, that would be pa­thet­ic.

–111th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: djlindee