Girl: Well, I don’t know…She doesn’t look very much like a butterfly.
Guy: What, would you rather have her wear a t‑shirt with a giant butterfly on it?
–Lincoln Center
Archive for 2015
He Should Be Hiring Skywriters
Teen girl: Wow, that’s pretty big.
Teen guy: And it won’t stop growing.
Teen girl: I think you need a doctor.
Teen guy: Oh yeah? What am I supposed to say? “Hey doc, my penis just won’t stop growing”? Yeah, right.
Teen girl: Uh…maybe you shouldn’t say that out loud.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Missy
I Like to Braid It Using Only My Tongue
Woman with strong Southern accent: I am gonna have her bachelorette party in my apartment next weekend.
Husband: (nods)
Woman: But the goddamn stripper won’t return my phone calls.
(waitress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Waitress: Tequila, on us.
Woman: This’ll put hair on my boobies.
Husband’s friends: That’s just how he likes it.
Husband: (nods)
–Brother Jimmy’s BBQ, Upper West Side
The Most Talked-About Wednesday One-Liners Of the Season!
Cheap suit on phone: Make conversation? All you guys fucking talk about is bowel movements and the reporting thereof!
–Spring St & Cleveland Pl
Overheard by: Neilium
20-something hot chick on cell: I’m talking about a dog, Sean. Not a penis.
–C Train
Scandalized woman to husband: And they just kept talking about jizz!
–E Train
Woman on cell: I can’t talk about somebody being sexy while you talk about my vagina?
–37th & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Mondo Man
When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That’s crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
–Tea Lounge, Union St
Awful Cold Out for Such Thin Skin
Hobo: Can you spare any change?
Man: Sorry, no.
Hobo: Who the hell you saying no to? I wasn’t asking you anyway, asshole!
–106th & Broadway
Overheard by: Leonor M.
He Was Wrong
Drunk girls singing to birthday girl: For she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly good fellow…
Drunker girl: And she’s got a big cock!
Random black dude behind them: Bet it ain’t bigger than mine!
–Bleecker & Bowery
Overheard by: Anna
Someday, He’ll Be Right
Blonde: Sean, Em just told us something very interesting about herself!
Queer: What? Oh my god! Did you finally have butt sex? I knew it! You let him stick it in your butt.
–Outside the W, Union Square
Overheard by: she had a nice butt…
You’re on a Roll Today, Amber.
Teen girl to friend: We should, like, totally go out after this.
Friend: But we’re not slutty enough to go to a bar.
Teen girl: Ooh! How about a sushi restaurant?
–LIRR
Overheard by: slut for sushi
Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time
Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants?
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants!
–81st & Roosevelt Ave
Overheard by: Jobee
Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on?
–8th & Broadway
Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uniform.
–Times Square Shuttle Station
Overheard by: Heather
Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Shira
Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train?
–W. Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
