Employee #1: It’s just that the customers get really pissed off when we do that.
Employee #2: Fuck the customers!
Employee #1: Oh. Yeah.
–Outside Store, 125th Street, Harlem
Overheard by: Maggie
Archive for 2015
The Offended Party Sued for Mao Practice
Professor: And what was the issue in this case?
Law student: The company was displaying won-ton negligence.
Professor: Okay, good, but some people pronounce it ‘wanton.’
–Brooklyn Law School
He’s Only Happy When It Rains
Male customer: Yeah, give me one of them Win for Life tickets.
Female customer: Is that a good one?
Male customer: Woman, is you crazy? You know they all bad!
–Bodega, 157th & Broadway
Overheard by: Evan S.
Santa Claus is Coming!
Cameraman: They actually have a huge problem every year at Rockefeller Center with all the people standing around at the ice rink and the tree. Guys will jerk off and rub up against people.
–9th Ave. and 55th
Overheard by: Meredith
And What a Pretty Forehead Piercing
Comedy ticket guy: Hey, do you like to laugh?
Goth chick: No. Do I look like I like to laugh?
Comedy ticket guy: My bad.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Laura M.
You Don’t Expect It to Rise Up Like That
Forklift operator #1: How’s it going, James?
Forklift operator #2: These boxes of matzah just ain’t cooperatin’.
–NYC Food Bank
Overheard by: Shane Hoffman
You, for Example, Are No Fucking Fun at All
Skinny girl: Overweight people have the best sense of humor. Skinny people–
Fat girl: –They’re not funny.
Skinny girl: I don’t know what it is about being fat.
–Alumni Hall elevator, NYU
Overheard by: zelda
To Make You Grateful to Be Childless
Man: Excuse me, but that kid’s screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she’s two years old–
Man: –So why did you bring her?!
–Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met
“Do you hail the horse or the driver?”
Tourist woman #1: Where is 5th Avenue?
Tourist woman #2: Oh, we won’t get there until we actually get a cab to New York.
–94th & Lexington
Overheard by: Joe Frankie
The Master Bedroom Of Wednesday One-Liners
Colleague on phone with Health & Racquet Club: Is there a certain time at the gym during the week that is more popular with masturbation enthusiasts?
–23rd & 6th
Overheard by: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Guy on cell walking dog: Hey, honey. I wanted to call you to tell you that I just masturbated… And I thought about you the whole time.
–110th & Broadway
Overheard by: A‑girl
Barnard girl walking by: This dry spell is getting really serious. My hand like, permanently smells like my pussy.
–Broadway & 114th
Overheard by: Rashmi
Man in wheelchair to friends walking: You would think so, but I masturbate with my right hand.
–14th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Staci
Crying girl screaming into cell: Is that the only word you masturbate to?!
–W 4th St & Barrow St
Overheard by: Howard
