White suit to another, seeing Asian guy: I’m sure he’ll help us. He’s yellow… Uh, I mean, Asian…
–Q train, 14th & Union Square
Archive for January, 2016
Nothing Quite as Cultured as Interjecting with a Slur
White guy: Alien vs. Predator was such a bad movie.
Black guy: Tell me something. Where do Alien and Predator come from?
White guy: What do you mean? They come from somebody’s imagination, of course.
Black guy: No, I mean what movies they came from.
White guy: You are aware that there was a movie called Alien and there was another called Predator.
Black guy: Nope, never even heard of them.
Old man: Learn the culture, nigger!
–Q46 bus
Overheard by: Ting
“…and there’s three guys and a chick after me.”
Girl: So you’re saying there might be a chance?
Guy: Yeah…if her husband leaves her, I’m next in line.
–Lafayette St. at Cooper Square
How’d You Get Your Hair to Do That?
Suave guy: Where are you from?
Drunk girl: New Jersey!
Suave guy: Oh, yeah? That’s cool!
–3rd Ave & 14th St
Which Absorbs Heat, So It’s Hard to Stay Cool
Hipster #1: I still can’t tell the difference. What’s the difference between the cool kids and the black kids?
Hipster #2: Duh. Black kids are black.
–McCarren Pool Party, Brooklyn
Overheard by: bill
Wednesday One-Liners Fail the Purity Test
Girl: I’m done with threesomes. Someone always gets hurt. It’s four-gies only from now on.
–Duane Reade, 32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jaina Wald
Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!
–Wall & Water
Overheard by: Aubrie
Man: Hey, anyone want to go to an orgy?
–Central Park
Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need condoms?
–Pharmacy, 82nd & Columbus
Girl on cell: Well it’s not even like anyone there had any real porn background!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Natalie
Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.
–22nd & Broadway
Loud female suit: Well, at least he wasn’t sleeping with an intern!
–45th & Lex
Preppy girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got myself two tickets for us to go to the Dominican Republic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Dominican cock. Yum!
–34th St
Overheard by: naidababy
What “The Full Route” Really Means
Bus driver: Due to circumstances beyond our control, Vanderbilt will be the last stop on the bus.
Passengers: [Gasp] Oh, no!
Bus driver: And now that I know the PA system works, I was just joking. This bus will be going the full route. [A few minutes later] If you are with somebody, please have them sit on your lap. If not, introduce yourself.
–Crowded B38 bus
Overheard by: kitty
Translation: “You’ll Get a Three-Cent Tip in the Bottom Of a Water Glass.”
Waiter: So everyone here is getting a water?
Girl: Yeah, we’re easy. (winks)
–Uno Pizzeria
Overheard by: Anastasia
They Resist Scratches As You’d Resist a 350-Pound Rapist on Meth, For Example
Customer: Look, see, there’s two scratches right there.
Optician: Those two? OK, now you’re being picky.
Customer: Picky?! I’m sorry that I set my expectations above your ability to provide me with scratch-resistant lenses without scratches in them.
–Eyes on the Slope, Park Slope
Overheard by: Hmm..maybe Lens Crafters
Wednesday One-Liners Never Said They Were Exclusive
Woman on cell: Well, her profile says ‘In a relationship,’ so she has no excuse to be fucking everyone else’s boyfriends!
–The Bagel House, 39th St & Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Louie
Guy: Hey, I’ll give you my ex-girlfriend if you’ll take her.
–1st St & Ave A
Overheard by: apples
Fag hag: Anderson Cooper is so gorgeous. I want to be his boyfriend.
–1 train
Overheard by: Allisa
Ghetto babe: She kicked the shit out of three or four boyfriends. She’s not gettin’ another. What’s she gonna do? Call him up, kick the shit out of him, get herself locked up again?
–Penn Station
Girl on cell: I might break up with my boyfriend because he wants to get a monkey.
–59th & Lex
Overheard by: Matt
Bimbette: Do you think the reason I can’t get a boyfriend is because I never re-post those things on MySpace?!
–LaGuardia airport
Little girl: I don’t have a boyfriend right now. Sometimes it’s better not to be in a relationship.
–72nd St & York
