White suit to another, seeing Asian guy: I’m sure he’ll help us. He’s yellow… Uh, I mean, Asian…
–Q train, 14th & Union Square
Archive for January, 2016
Nothing Quite as Cultured as Interjecting with a Slur
White guy: Alien vs. Predator was such a bad movie.
Black guy: Tell me something. Where do Alien and Predator come from?
White guy: What do you mean? They come from somebody’s imagination, of course.
Black guy: No, I mean what movies they came from.
White guy: You are aware that there was a movie called Alien and there was another called Predator.
Black guy: Nope, never even heard of them.
Old man: Learn the culture, nigger!
–Q46 bus
Overheard by: Ting
“…and there’s three guys and a chick after me.”
Girl: So you’re saying there might be a chance?
Guy: Yeah…if her husband leaves her, I’m next in line.
–Lafayette St. at Cooper Square
How'd You Get Your Hair to Do That?
Suave guy: Where are you from?
Drunk girl: New Jersey!
Suave guy: Oh, yeah? That's cool!
–3rd Ave & 14th St
Which Absorbs Heat, So It's Hard to Stay Cool
Hipster #1: I still can't tell the difference. What's the difference between the cool kids and the black kids?
Hipster #2: Duh. Black kids are black.
–McCarren Pool Party, Brooklyn
Overheard by: bill
Wednesday One-Liners Fail the Purity Test
Girl: I’m done with threesomes. Someone always gets hurt. It’s four-gies only from now on.
–Duane Reade, 32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jaina Wald
Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!
–Wall & Water
Overheard by: Aubrie
Man: Hey, anyone want to go to an orgy?
–Central Park
Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need condoms?
–Pharmacy, 82nd & Columbus
Girl on cell: Well it’s not even like anyone there had any real porn background!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Natalie
Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.
–22nd & Broadway
Loud female suit: Well, at least he wasn’t sleeping with an intern!
–45th & Lex
Preppy girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got myself two tickets for us to go to the Dominican Republic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Dominican cock. Yum!
–34th St
Overheard by: naidababy
What “The Full Route” Really Means
Bus driver: Due to circumstances beyond our control, Vanderbilt will be the last stop on the bus.
Passengers: [Gasp] Oh, no!
Bus driver: And now that I know the PA system works, I was just joking. This bus will be going the full route. [A few minutes later] If you are with somebody, please have them sit on your lap. If not, introduce yourself.
–Crowded B38 bus
Overheard by: kitty
If Paris Hilton Comes Into Red Lobster, We’ll Discuss It
Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We’re from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it’s because in New York we know that you can’t bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can’t?
Woman: No, you can’t. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y’all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.
–Red Lobster, Times Square
Overheard by: Lynne & Craig
Translation: “You'll Get a Three-Cent Tip in the Bottom Of a Water Glass.”
Waiter: So everyone here is getting a water?
Girl: Yeah, we're easy. (winks)
–Uno Pizzeria
Overheard by: Anastasia
They Resist Scratches As You’d Resist a 350-Pound Rapist on Meth, For Example
Customer: Look, see, there’s two scratches right there.
Optician: Those two? OK, now you’re being picky.
Customer: Picky?! I’m sorry that I set my expectations above your ability to provide me with scratch-resistant lenses without scratches in them.
–Eyes on the Slope, Park Slope
Overheard by: Hmm..maybe Lens Crafters