Archive for March, 2016

Don’t Drink and Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Lamar from Re­venge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy be­fore I dri­ve her.

–51st & 8th

Over­heard by: Nigel

Chick to guy: I’ll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home.

–5th & 2nd

Woman to man: Well, if we’re not go­ing to dri­ve any­where, we might as well drink!

–Mul­ber­ry St

Over­heard by: Hazel

La­dy to friend: Yeah, he trad­ed the Cam­ry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit in­to one car.

–49th & 5th

Over­heard by: seann r

Mes­sen­ger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fuck­ing truck — I’m the truck!

–28th & 7th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It’s a swollen, pus-filled se­ba­ceous cyst…

–Nathan’s, West 32nd St

Over­heard by: SuzeV

Chick leav­ing Du­ane Reade (ex­pos­ing armpit): Air it out ba­by, air it out!

–Du­ane Reade, 14th & 1st

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Guy to friends: I’m just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broad­way

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, se­ri­ous­ly. My mom is *so* nasty when­ev­er we go out to eat some­where. I’m not kid­ding. Like, she is *nev­er* hap­py where we get seat­ed, and she’s like, “This sil­ver­ware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The light­ing is aw­ful! The tec­ton­ic plates of this lo­ca­tion are shift­ing, I de­mand a pa­tio ta­ble!” I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Se­ri­ous­ly. I’ve seen wait­ing. Please don’t shave your ass­crack hair in­to my food be­cause my mom was a douchenoz­zle.

–jet blue ter­mi­nal, jfk

Over­heard by: now ques­tion­ing my piz­za in­gre­di­ents

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pret­ty much have the same body func­tions when you’re dead as when you’re alive. It’s gross, but I love it.

–Mer­cer b/w 3rd & 4th

Over­heard by: Threw up in my mouth a lit­tle bit


Guy #1: Okay…Wow…This one time in Madi­son I was so drunk…I was try­ing to get this soror­i­ty girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hang­ing out with us.) That’s all I re­mem­ber from that night! I woke up the next morn­ing, in bed, soak­ing wet, with a pulled groin mus­cle and scrapes all over my knees and el­bows!
Guy #2: What the fuck?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what hap­pened. Ap­par­ent­ly, I sor­ta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison–I pulled my groin mus­cle there–then I pulled my­self out and crawled home on hands and knees since I could­n’t walk.
Guy #2: What…the fuck…?

–B1 bus

Over­heard by: Justin Fores