Archive for April, 2016

Wednes­day Does­n’t Eat Enough to Keep a One-Lin­er Alive

Skin­ny pro­fes­sor: John* [a chub­by pro­fes­sor] and I start­ed Weight Watch­ers to­geth­er at the same time!

–Hos­tos Fac­ul­ty Din­ing Room

Over­heard by: glad she’s leav­ing

Skin­ny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy sub­sti­tute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on loves Thanks­giv­ing food

Girl or­der­ing Cof­fee Coolat­ta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorex­ic. Every­thing tast­ed good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Over­heard by: al­li­son

Jew­ish grand­moth­er­ly type: Women with anorex­ia seem to have such strange eat­ing habits.

–Up­per West Side

Anorex­ic-look­ing girl: I want a tic tac. I’m hun­gry.

–95th & 2nd

Ugh, Save That Shit for Kings Coun­ty.

Guy, im­i­tat­ing Mid­dle East ac­cent, to girl­friend: My queen, I’d like to buy this stat­ue. I’m gonna put it down and place a stat­ue of my fa­ther.
Girl­friend: Yes my king, let’s use our Amer­i­can Ex­press Black.

–Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty

Over­heard by: Mike

I Al­ways Pre­ferred Bin Laden Bar­bie

Old­er la­dy #1: He’s a very nice guy. He looks like a ter­ror­ist, but he’s so sweet.
Old­er la­dy #2, laugh­ing: Re­al­ly? Well, that’s good.
Old­er la­dy #1: Yeah. He’s so smart! Re­al­ly bright, and re­al­ly good at mak­ing you feel com­fort­able. I was so glad to have him help­ing us. But he definitely–if you look at him–he’s like ted­dy Tal­iban.

–Wait­ing Room, NYU Hos­pi­tal

Over­heard by: Hec­tor Hamas?

Pow, Al­ice, Right in the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Tiny boy to an­oth­er, point­ing at crowd ex­it­ing the sub­way sta­tion: Look! It’s our au­di­ence for the smack­down!

–Car­roll St

Over­heard by: kdice

20-some­thing girl to an­oth­er: Have you ever seen my legs? My legs will, like, choke you, for­ev­er.

–Prince St.

Over­heard by: Roland McFly

Cop: I’m gonna smack some­body!

–Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: chris k.

An­gry girl: I did­n’t give him a hick­ey, I just bit him!

–Bow­ery & 3rd St

Street ven­dor to cus­tomer: My big boy, he’ll beat you up. But he won’t try to hurt you.

–Liv­ingston & Court St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: KP Whitey

Very per­sis­tent girl on cell: Come out with me! Get eman­ci­pat­ed! Just doc­tor a video of your par­ents beat­ing you and get eman­ci­pat­ed, and I’ll adopt you, and then we can go out.

–Ur­ban Out­fit­ters, 72nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: amalthya

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Blame Their Moth­ers

CC­NY stu­dent: I’ve al­ways thought he has psy­cho­log­i­cal prob­lems. (pause) Like, he’s one of those peo­ple that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hall­way, CC­NY

Over­heard by: la­dyliv­er

Suit on cell: She is try­ing to get a good ed­u­ca­tion so that she can pay for ther­a­py lat­er on.

–1250 Broad­way

Loud male cus­tomer count­ing out pack­ets of chew­ing to­bac­co: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can’t seem to live my life. Ker­mit is my shrink, so of course I’m screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Kiri

Dude hang­ing up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jew­ish girls need ther­a­py.

–Good Stuff Din­er, 14th St

Over­heard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you ei­ther get help, or you’re nor­mal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be nor­mal. Damn.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Sarah

His­to­ry teacher to class: Does that make you un­com­fort­able? Be­cause I know I’m men­tal.

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: Lil­lian