Archive for April, 2016

Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!

–Hostos Faculty Dining Room

Overheard by: glad she's leaving

Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food

Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: allison

Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.

–Upper West Side

Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.

–95th & 2nd

Ugh, Save That Shit for Kings County.

Guy, imitating Middle East accent, to girlfriend: My queen, I'd like to buy this statue. I'm gonna put it down and place a statue of my father.
Girlfriend: Yes my king, let's use our American Express Black.

–Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: Mike

I Always Preferred Bin Laden Barbie

Older lady #1: He's a very nice guy. He looks like a terrorist, but he's so sweet.
Older lady #2, laughing: Really? Well, that's good.
Older lady #1: Yeah. He's so smart! Really bright, and really good at making you feel comfortable. I was so glad to have him helping us. But he definitely–if you look at him–he's like teddy Taliban.

–Waiting Room, NYU Hospital

Overheard by: Hector Hamas?

Pow, Alice, Right in the Wednesday One-Liners!

Tiny boy to another, pointing at crowd exiting the subway station: Look! It's our audience for the smackdown!

–Carroll St

Overheard by: kdice

20-something girl to another: Have you ever seen my legs? My legs will, like, choke you, forever.

–Prince St.

Overheard by: Roland McFly

Cop: I'm gonna smack somebody!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: chris k.

Angry girl: I didn't give him a hickey, I just bit him!

–Bowery & 3rd St

Street vendor to customer: My big boy, he'll beat you up. But he won't try to hurt you.

–Livingston & Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: KP Whitey

Very persistent girl on cell: Come out with me! Get emancipated! Just doctor a video of your parents beating you and get emancipated, and I'll adopt you, and then we can go out.

–Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: amalthya

Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers

CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hallway, CCNY

Overheard by: ladyliver

Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on.

–1250 Broadway

Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kiri

Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy.

–Good Stuff Diner, 14th St

Overheard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Sarah

History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Lillian