Archive for 2016

You Have to Quit Drinking, Mary, You’re Pregnant!

Drunk girl: What, you think you have a 25-inch dick? I’m not afraid of a 25-inch dick! I haven’t seen your magnum dick! Show me your magnum dick! Take a magnum condom and put it on a corn cob! I didn’t see your magnum dick! [Gets on train.] Diiick! Maybe there are some babies on the train, so I’ll be quiet. They don’t know what a big dick is. [Points at female riders] But they know what a big dick is! They know why they didn’t get on the train! I’m not afraid of a big dick! I didn’t see his big dick! [To male rider] You’re not afraid of a big dick, are you? If I had a big dick, I would push it up on someone. I wouldn’t care if they didn’t want it. [More people get on.] You’re not afraid of a big dick, Sparkly Jacket Man! Sparkly Jacket! You like a big dick, Hot Blue-Jacket Girl? It’s the holidays! We should have cheer! Let’s pray! Pray to Christ! Dear Christ and your big dick, you thrust forth and created this great nation with your sperm, Christ. Pray with me to Christ and his big dick!
Women having own convo: Yeah, so Jerry Seinfeld is coming, and my boss wanted me to get tickets.
Drunk girl: Ohhh, Seinfeld is coming! You guys like a big dick? Christmas spirit! I love all y’all. I want to give every one of you a kiss on the cheek! And a glass of champagne! Christmas spirit! With your big dick!

–L train

Overheard by: Anna

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Limited to the Earth Plane

Serene yoga instructor: And what I want you all to do now it tuck your tail bone. What is tucking your tailbone exactly? It’s kind of like humping the floor. (pause) I’m sorry, that’s the best way I can describe it.

–St. Mark’s

Guy on cell: I just went to the psychic and she says you’re going to have a wonderful new start in Israel!

–F Train

Overheard by: halcyon

Teen girl to bored friend: No, I swear to god. It’s like I’ve got a fifth sense or something. Psychic-kinesis. I can write words in my mind!

–91st & Columbus

20-something on phone: So I told her I started this thing where I read her horoscope in the morning, before I talk to her, to see if she’ll have a good day or not, because she’s so bipolar. I’m so over it.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Lizzington


Oliver Twist: 2006

Dad, sternly: Do you have money? [Three-year-old looks at him, almost in tears, and barely shakes his head.] If you don’t have money, how are we going to get McDonald’s?

–Wyckoff Ave

Overheard by: thankful I don’t have to deprive my non-existent kid

Drunk, Or Still Emerging from the Anesthesia?

Conductor: May I see your ticket, please?
Drunk tranny: I already showed my ticket.
Conductor: Yes, but you haven’t showed it to me.
Drunk tranny: What the fuck? I already showed my damn ticket.
Conductor: OK, calm down. Just show me your ticket, please… I’ll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tranny: You are probably a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the disrespect I get. I am fucking changing cars.

–Long Beach bound LIRR

John Travolta will take any role

Girl: What I really want is a guy who is kind of skinny and almost homosexual.
Fat male passerby: I can be that guy!

–14th & 2nd

Headline by: h

Runners-Up:
· “But One Who Isn’t a Scientologist and Didn’t Star in the “Mission Impossible” Movies” — Hostrauser
· “Drew Carey Believes He’s a Hipster.” — Stephalee
· “I Can Be Seven Of That Guy” — Belvedere Jones
· “I’m Not Skinny, but I’m All the Way Homosexual – it Balances Out.” — KarenD
· “It Was Rosie O’Donnell” — Jess K.

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