Archive for 2016

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Nev­er Said They Were Ex­clu­sive

Woman on cell: Well, her pro­file says ‘In a re­la­tion­ship,’ so she has no ex­cuse to be fuck­ing every­one else’s boyfriends!

–The Bagel House, 39th St & Dit­mars Blvd, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Louie

Guy: Hey, I’ll give you my ex-girl­friend if you’ll take her.

–1st St & Ave A

Over­heard by: ap­ples

Fag hag: An­der­son Coop­er is so gor­geous. I want to be his boyfriend.

–1 train

Over­heard by: Al­lisa

Ghet­to babe: She kicked the shit out of three or four boyfriends. She’s not get­tin’ an­oth­er. What’s she gonna do? Call him up, kick the shit out of him, get her­self locked up again?

–Penn Sta­tion

Girl on cell: I might break up with my boyfriend be­cause he wants to get a mon­key.

–59th & Lex

Over­heard by: Matt

Bim­bette: Do you think the rea­son I can’t get a boyfriend is be­cause I nev­er re-post those things on My­Space?!

–La­Guardia air­port

Lit­tle girl: I don’t have a boyfriend right now. Some­times it’s bet­ter not to be in a re­la­tion­ship.

–72nd St & York

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Girl #1: What did you get from your se­cret San­ta?
Girl #2: Just some soaps and smelly stuff from Bath & Body Works. Oh, and a free pro­mo­tion­al CD that my se­cret San­ta told me was free.
Girl #1: Who was your se­cret San­ta any­way?
Girl #2: Amy. I saw what she got from her se­cret San­ta. It was a San­ta vi­bra­tor.
Girl #1: A San­ta vi­bra­tor! Much cool­er than soaps and a free CD.
Girl #2: Yeah, I guess so. Un­til I stole the San­ta vi­bra­tor off her desk. It was fuck­ing small, though. As big as my pinkie.

–N train

Over­heard by: michelle lu­vey

Al­so, Our Eyes aren’t Open as Wide

Col­lege chick #1: Have you ever no­ticed it al­ways gets dark re­al­ly ear­ly dur­ing this time of year?
Col­lege chick #2: Yeah, I no­ticed it, too. But I was think­ing that since it’s gen­er­al­ly cloudi­er in au­tumn and win­ter that it re­al­ly is­n’t dark out ear­li­er, it’s just re­al­ly cloudy.
Col­lege chick #1: Wow, that makes so much sense!

–Riverdale

That’s Not True! I To­tal­ly Wor­ry About Ter­ror­ists Now, Too.

Girl, lunch­ing with friends: So I read my di­ary from when I was six. The first page I wrote, “dear di­ary, I’m so wor­ried about my fu­ture. What am I go­ing to do for my job? Where am I go­ing to go to col­lege?“
Friend: Looks like you haven’t changed much.

–Cosi, Union Square

Over­heard by: …and I thought I was crazy.

It’s Like the My­Space of Birds

Tru­ly ur­ban son: Look, mom, an ea­gle!
Mom: No, Gabe, it’s just a pi­geon.

–The Bronx

Over­heard by: Natasha

Head­line by: Bri­an

Run­ners-Up:
· “But It’s a Bronx Pi­geon, So It Acts Like an Ea­gle” — Pe­terG
· “Ku­dos to the Sci­ence Teach­ers at P.S. 51” — Los
· “The Cash-Strapped Bronx Zoo Was­n’t Fool­ing Any­one” — Coy­oty
· “The True Sym­bol Of Amer­i­ca” — BabakganoosH
· “This Is the Bronx, Let Him Dream…” — Lacey

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test