Whiny, chubby girlfriend: But I want to buy vegetables!
Tall, football-player-esque boyfriend: Are you trying to get skinny? Cause I don’t do skinny. I don’t do skinny!
–65th St & Broadway
Archive for 2016
J. Lo. and Puffy’s Unfinished Life Together
Black guy with bags, bumping into Hispanic woman: Don’t gimme that look, not my fault, not my fuckin’ fault! (Hispanic woman just glares) Look at me again and I’ll fuck you in the ass!
–53rd St & 5th Ave
Only If You Can Solve Their Riddles
Chick: You can’t really have sex with a Sphinx, the body is a lion.
Guy: Sphinxes are still titty-fuckable!
–NYU
Overheard by: LSB
And the Number One Reason New Yorkers Move to the Suburbs…
Dude: This weather! It’s a beautiful fucking night, isn’t it?
Chick: I know! It’s fucking amazing, it’s just so fucking sweet!
Dude: Yeah, it is fucking nice out, I wish I could take a piss — you know, somewhere outside — and not get arrested!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Real Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Smile
Thug, yelling to mother and kids walking away: Nah, kids don’t scare me off. I love kids. I plan on getting like tree-four women pregnant by this summer.
–Nostrand Ave, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: rick
Thug: Damn. You gotta go all the way downtown just to get a slice of fucking red velvet.
–Brookdale Hospital, Brooklyn
Thug teen: Yo, if I’ma pay six bucks for a meal, that shit better be grand.
–R Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Thug yelling to group: I don’t care who hears this! Redheads fuck like black chicks!
–7th Ave
Thug: You fuckin’ motherfucker! (pause, then regretfully) I love you.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Brotha’Love
Nature: 2 Nurture: 0
Little boy #1: You’re afraid to talk to girls!
Little boy #2 (very solemnly): Because they’re monsters.
–56th & 8th
Overheard by: Cori
Cut Your Losses and Run!
Girl: Oh my god! That guy over there across the street — I went out with him last Saturday! We made plans for this weekend, and when I asked him what was up he told me he had to go home to Long Island ’cause his grandmother was sick.
Guy friend: The one with his arm around that girl? Clearly, he was lying.
Girl: No shit. C’mon, let’s cross the street.
They cross the street.
Girl: Oh my god! Alex*! Wow, this is funny.
Alex: Oh… Jenny*… Hi… What are you doing here?
Introductions are made all around.
Jenny: So, how’s your grandmother? I take it you saw her this weekend?
Girl with Alex: Yeah, Alex, how is your grandmother? You saw her two weekends in a row? You are quite the devoted grandson.
Jenny’s guy friend: Dude, you are so fucked.
–Lower East Side
When You’re Self-absorbed, Every Day is a Celebration
Girl #1: Happy birthday, Mira!
Girl #2: Happy birthday! Yay, it’s my birthday too!…in August.
–L’Orange Bleue, Broome Street
Overheard by: Sasha Vaughan
Wednesday One-Liners for the Bush Administration
Man to crying woman he just chased down the street: What did you want me to do?! Lie and say that you’re a good writer?
–25th & Madison
Overheard by: Jocelyn
Chick to friend: But I only lie when I know no one will find out!
–Union Square
Kid to friends, repeatedly: Yo — animals… They don’t know how to lie.
–6th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A
Overheard by: anthony recchia
Bimbette: Yeah, I’ve been to hundreds of Catholic churches… I still lie.
–St. Patrick’s Cathedral
Overheard by: are you proud of this?
Kitten: Does Anybody Care That I’m Part Siamese?
Small boy: Mom, I found a kitten!
Mother: Name him Cletus.
Small boy: Cletus, you my only nigga.
–Nokia Theatre
