Archive for 2016

Along With the De­men­tia I Al­ready Have

Pro­pri­etor: I heard you had a fall.
Oc­to­ge­nar­i­an: Oh, yes. I had a fall. They even took me to the hos­pi­tal for six hours. They test­ed me for every­thing ex­cept syphilis.
Pro­pri­etor: That’s what they’re sup­posed to test you for first.
Oc­to­ge­nar­i­an: I wish I had syphilis. At least then I’d be hav­ing some fun.

–73rd & Colum­bus Ave

Over­heard by: G

Wednes­day Does­n’t Eat Enough to Keep a One-Lin­er Alive

Skin­ny pro­fes­sor: John* [a chub­by pro­fes­sor] and I start­ed Weight Watch­ers to­geth­er at the same time!

–Hos­tos Fac­ul­ty Din­ing Room

Over­heard by: glad she’s leav­ing

Skin­ny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy sub­sti­tute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on loves Thanks­giv­ing food

Girl or­der­ing Cof­fee Coolat­ta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorex­ic. Every­thing tast­ed good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Over­heard by: al­li­son

Jew­ish grand­moth­er­ly type: Women with anorex­ia seem to have such strange eat­ing habits.

–Up­per West Side

Anorex­ic-look­ing girl: I want a tic tac. I’m hun­gry.

–95th & 2nd

Ugh, Save That Shit for Kings Coun­ty.

Guy, im­i­tat­ing Mid­dle East ac­cent, to girl­friend: My queen, I’d like to buy this stat­ue. I’m gonna put it down and place a stat­ue of my fa­ther.
Girl­friend: Yes my king, let’s use our Amer­i­can Ex­press Black.

–Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty

Over­heard by: Mike

I Al­ways Pre­ferred Bin Laden Bar­bie

Old­er la­dy #1: He’s a very nice guy. He looks like a ter­ror­ist, but he’s so sweet.
Old­er la­dy #2, laugh­ing: Re­al­ly? Well, that’s good.
Old­er la­dy #1: Yeah. He’s so smart! Re­al­ly bright, and re­al­ly good at mak­ing you feel com­fort­able. I was so glad to have him help­ing us. But he definitely–if you look at him–he’s like ted­dy Tal­iban.

–Wait­ing Room, NYU Hos­pi­tal

Over­heard by: Hec­tor Hamas?

Pow, Al­ice, Right in the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Tiny boy to an­oth­er, point­ing at crowd ex­it­ing the sub­way sta­tion: Look! It’s our au­di­ence for the smack­down!

–Car­roll St

Over­heard by: kdice

20-some­thing girl to an­oth­er: Have you ever seen my legs? My legs will, like, choke you, for­ev­er.

–Prince St.

Over­heard by: Roland McFly

Cop: I’m gonna smack some­body!

–Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: chris k.

An­gry girl: I did­n’t give him a hick­ey, I just bit him!

–Bow­ery & 3rd St

Street ven­dor to cus­tomer: My big boy, he’ll beat you up. But he won’t try to hurt you.

–Liv­ingston & Court St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: KP Whitey

Very per­sis­tent girl on cell: Come out with me! Get eman­ci­pat­ed! Just doc­tor a video of your par­ents beat­ing you and get eman­ci­pat­ed, and I’ll adopt you, and then we can go out.

–Ur­ban Out­fit­ters, 72nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: amalthya