Archive for 2016

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Ad­mit Their Lives Have Be­come Un­man­age­able

Suit on cell: Nev­er make any de­ci­sions af­ter drink­ing two pitch­ers of beer. Af­ter the first one, I was like “okay, this is what I’m do­ing.” But af­ter the sec­ond one, I end­ed up as di­rec­tor of the D.C. Unit­ed Way. At first, I was­n’t too wor­ried, be­cause I fig­ured they’d give me a drug test, and I knew I would­n’t pass.

–6 Train

Hope­ful-look­ing guy to con­cerned-look­ing guy: Ba­si­cal­ly, you’re not ready to be an al­co­holic, so you should stay away from al­co­hol.

–Polk St

Girl to guy friend: She’s a great drunk. She’s prob­a­bly one of the best peo­ple to hang out with when she’s drunk.

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Over­heard by: T

Hawk­er: It’s hap­py hour! Come on up, and I’ll watch your kids while you get drunk.

–Plan­et Hol­ly­wood

Girl, dur­ing lunch: I’m not drunk any­more!

–W 4th & Uni­ver­si­ty Place

Ac­cord­ing to Leg­end, Mr. Won­ka Nev­er Went Back

Big black woman, on Hal­loween: Who are you sup­posed to be, The Mad Hat­ter?
Guy: I’m Willy Won­ka. Gene Wilder’s Willy Won­ka from the sev­en­ties.
Big black woman: Oh, I nev­er would have known. You know, what you need is an ac­ces­so­ry, a prop.
Guy: Like what? I look just like him!
Big black woman: You need a choco­late woman on your arm.

–Jack Dempsey’s Pub

And Your Point Is…?

Hobo singing: Brook­lyn, Bronx, Queens and Stat­en. From the Bat­tery to the top of Man­hat­tan. [To tran­sit work­er] ‘Scuse me, sir. Where we at right now? Brook­lyn? Queens? Man­hat­tan?
Tran­sit work­er #1: We’re any­where you wan­na be, broth­er.
Hobo: What bor­ough is this?
Tran­sit work­er #2: This is the Bronx.
Hobo: The Bronx?
Tran­sit work­er #1: The boo­gie down.
Hobo: The boo­gie woo­gie? [Walks away singing] Boo­gie woo­gie oo­gie ’til ya just can’t boo­gie no more…
Tran­sit work­er #2 to #1: If you just hopped in­to that train and drove it on time we would­n’t have to watch him wan­der around the plat­form.

–1 train plat­form, 242nd St

Over­heard by: Reg­gie Vikram

She’s Work­ing Her Way through My Ad­dress Book. To­day She’s on the Ds.

Girl #1: Hey, how’re you do­ing?
Girl #2: Hey! Aren’t you–?
Girl #1 slaps girl #2, then runs away scream­ing: You’re a fuck­ing bitch!
Girl #2 on cell: Hel­lo, Alex*? This is Di­ane*. I haven’t seen you in, like, three years, so could you please ex­plain to me why your ex-girl­friend, whom I’ve nev­er met, just slapped me and called me a bitch? Call me back, thanks, bye.

–Star­bucks, 4th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Chitin

Head­line by: David Ter­renoire

Run­ners-Up:
· “Girl, In­ter­rupt­ed” — Coop­er Cheatham
· “I think it had to do with that one time my pe­nis was in your vagi­na.…” — ryan
· “Lucky to on­ly get half the clap in re­turn” — Bri­an A
· “Maybe Be­cause You Still Have Me on Speed Di­al Af­ter 3 years?” — Bo­bi­ta
· “When Al­i­bis At­tack” — Bar­ry Ne­grin
· “When you dump some­one, you’re dump­ing every­one they’ve ever dumped.” — Ed Maudlin
· “You al­so might want to check on the pet rab­bit” — will1966

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