Archive for 2016

Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable

Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like “okay, this is what I’m doing.” But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn’t too worried, because I figured they’d give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn’t pass.

–6 Train

Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you’re not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.

–Polk St

Girl to guy friend: She’s a great drunk. She’s probably one of the best people to hang out with when she’s drunk.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: T

Hawker: It’s happy hour! Come on up, and I’ll watch your kids while you get drunk.

–Planet Hollywood

Girl, during lunch: I’m not drunk anymore!

–W 4th & University Place

According to Legend, Mr. Wonka Never Went Back

Big black woman, on Halloween: Who are you supposed to be, The Mad Hatter?
Guy: I’m Willy Wonka. Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka from the seventies.
Big black woman: Oh, I never would have known. You know, what you need is an accessory, a prop.
Guy: Like what? I look just like him!
Big black woman: You need a chocolate woman on your arm.

–Jack Dempsey’s Pub

And Your Point Is…?

Hobo singing: Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten. From the Battery to the top of Manhattan. [To transit worker] ‘Scuse me, sir. Where we at right now? Brooklyn? Queens? Manhattan?
Transit worker #1: We’re anywhere you wanna be, brother.
Hobo: What borough is this?
Transit worker #2: This is the Bronx.
Hobo: The Bronx?
Transit worker #1: The boogie down.
Hobo: The boogie woogie? [Walks away singing] Boogie woogie oogie ’til ya just can’t boogie no more…
Transit worker #2 to #1: If you just hopped into that train and drove it on time we wouldn’t have to watch him wander around the platform.

–1 train platform, 242nd St

Overheard by: Reggie Vikram

She’s Working Her Way through My Address Book. Today She’s on the Ds.

Girl #1: Hey, how’re you doing?
Girl #2: Hey! Aren’t you–?
Girl #1 slaps girl #2, then runs away screaming: You’re a fucking bitch!
Girl #2 on cell: Hello, Alex*? This is Diane*. I haven’t seen you in, like, three years, so could you please explain to me why your ex-girlfriend, whom I’ve never met, just slapped me and called me a bitch? Call me back, thanks, bye.

–Starbucks, 4th & University

Overheard by: Chitin

Headline by: David Terrenoire

Runners-Up:
· “Girl, Interrupted” — Cooper Cheatham
· “I think it had to do with that one time my penis was in your vagina.…” — ryan
· “Lucky to only get half the clap in return” — Brian A
· “Maybe Because You Still Have Me on Speed Dial After 3 years?” — Bobita
· “When Alibis Attack” — Barry Negrin
· “When you dump someone, you’re dumping everyone they’ve ever dumped.” — Ed Maudlin
· “You also might want to check on the pet rabbit” — will1966

Click here to see the new Headline Contest