Archive for 2016

I’d Like You All Now to Join Me in a Cho­rus of “This Lit­tle Light of Mine”

Bus dri­ver: Good morn­ing pas­sen­gers! You may have heard re­cent­ly that bus dri­vers have been put on a di­et to make them nicer and more help­ful. Now this doc­tor has told me, “No more ba­con and eggs, but a nice bowl of oat­meal. Oh, and lots of wa­ter, fruit. And in­stead of stop­ping for some pork fried rice in the af­ter­noon, with chick­en wings, a nice piece of floun­der, maybe with some but­ter and herbs.” Now it’s been 15 days, and I am so much more po­lite to pas­sen­gers, say­ing “Good morn­ing. How do you do?” I’m even nicer to ma­ma when she gets home. Helpin’ her with her car­riage and bags; low­er­ing the bus for peo­ple at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for an­oth­er 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Over­heard by: I should have eat­en break­fast

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Look Man­ly in Tights

De­spon­dent hobo: Spi­der-Man is dead, moth­a­fuck­ah.

–Thomp­son & Bleeck­er

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Earnest white girl: So, I’ve been think­ing about it, and here’s what I’m pic­tur­ing — dat ho is lyin’ flat on her stom­ach, and Su­per­man is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he’s in fly­in’ po­si­tion… And it seems like maybe it would be eas­i­er to Su­per­man a small per­son… I bet you could Su­per­man a big girl. Yeah, def­i­nite­ly.

–H&M, So­ho

An­gry ven­dor in heavy ac­cent, af­ter po­lice bust near­by: They just ar­rest him. They ar­rest every­body. They think they are Su­per­man!

–Greene St, So­ho

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Cos­tumed guy: Two things you nev­er do — you nev­er pull Su­per­man’s cape, and you nev­er kick Spi­der-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spi­der-Man] You are wear­ing a cup, right?

–13th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: there­sa

You Still Have That Oui­ja Board?

Mom: Don’t lean over the tracks like that.
Five-year-old son: I’m just look­ing for the train.
Mom: It’s dan­ger­ous, you could fall.
Five-year-old son: Dad­dy’s do­ing it. You’re not say­ing it to him.
Mom: I’m your moth­er, and I told you to stop. Dad­dy can do what he wants. [Boy sulks for a few min­utes.] Okay, do you want to call Grand­ma when we get home so she can yell at Dad­dy for lean­ing over the tracks?
Five-year-old son: Yes.

–34th St sub­way plat­form

Tonight on Hard Copy: “When Bad Con­ver­sa­tions Get Worse!”

Truck guy with mus­tache: You look like the Ge­ico guy.
Curly-haired truck guy: (no re­sponse)
Truck guy with mus­tache: Hey, you look like the Ge­ico guy, ha­ha­ha­ha­ha.
(laughs from oth­er truck guys stand­ing around)
Curly-haired truck guy: Well, you look like the guy who hit the tow­ers.

–32nd St

When the Oc­to­pus Mates

Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sit­ting there on op­po­site ends of the couch and our feet were all in­ter­twined, and I paused and just was like, ‘Look at us! It’s like we’ve known each oth­er for ages!’ … Well, I’m think­ing of ask­ing him to get his DNA checked to see if we’re com­pat­i­ble. ‘Cause, you know, I want some­one com­pat­i­ble. I won­der what his ge­nealog­i­cal lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It’s just great that he’s will­ing to do it. It’s good that he knows I’ll be in con­trol of every­thing.

–Plane leav­ing La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Cas­san­dra

Wednes­day: Soft As a Baby’s One-Lin­er

Drunk mid­dle aged man, grab­bing wife’s shoul­der: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, peo­ple! She’s go­ing to have a moth­er­fuck­ing ba­by! Nine months! Ni­i­i­i­i­ine months!

–E 9th St & Uni­ver­si­ty Place

Over­heard by: NYUTSOA2012

Tween to grand­moth­er: There’s this girl in my class at school who had a ba­by around Hal­loween, and she named it Starlight. It’s a ba­by girl.

–F Train

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on

Hys­ter­i­cal teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his ba­by!

–Gee Whiz, Tribeca

Train con­duc­tor: Stand clear of the clos­ing doors! Es­pe­cial­ly if you got a ba­by and a ba­by car­riage!

–Up­town 2 Train

At­trac­tive brunette: There were dead ba­bies in the tree. Like Christ­mas or­na­ments.

–96th & Broad­way