Archive for 2016

That’s the Last Time I’ll Babysit a Mid­dle-School­er for On­ly 5 Bucks an Hour

Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: Bruce, you can’t sleep here. You live in Queens. Your bed is in Queens.
Drunk guy: No, this is my new home. I live here now. (points at the wall)
Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: Bruce, go home.
Drunk guy: I am home.
Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: No, your house is in Queens. Go there.
Drunk guy: Queens? Okay. (points to the left) I’m go­ing to go that way cause it’s longer. No…wait, (points to the right) That way.
Rel­a­tive­ly sober girl: What­ev­er! I did not sign up for this tonight.

–9th St & Ave A

What Do You Want? I’m from New York

Stu­dent: Well, like, trick­le down eco­nom­ics works on a small scale.
TA: In what cir­cum­stances do you mean?
Stu­dent: Well, like, in third world coun­tries… You give a fam­i­ly a cow, or you can give them two cows, and then they watch them mate and they sell their milk.
TA: [Si­lence.]

–NYU class­room, 13th & 4th

New York’s On­ly Re­pub­li­can

Woman: Did you just watch the Pres­i­den­tial de­bate?
Man: Yes, we did.
Woman: Are you Ker­ry sup­port­ers?
Man: No, of course not. Ker­ry is the worst pres­i­den­tial can­di­date in the last 50 years and he would be the worst pres­i­dent ever.
Woman: Oh, do you want to come to Good Morn­ing Amer­i­ca to­mor­row and stand out­side, wav­ing Ker­ry signs?
Man: I was be­ing en­tire­ly se­ri­ous. I hate Ker­ry.

The woman looks at him, un­be­liev­ing, and walks away in si­lence.

–Out­side the San Mar­cos bar, East Vil­lage

I’m Afraid You’ve Lost Me

Girl: You know what I re­al­ly like? Toast.
Boy: Oh, yeah, toast is great. Do you put but­ter on it?
Girl: On what?
Boy: On toast.
Girl: But­ter on toast?
Boy: Yeah, it’s pret­ty good with but­ter.

–Megabus

Over­heard by: Bran­don