Archive for 2016

Wednesday Doesn’t Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!

–Hostos Faculty Dining Room

Overheard by: glad she’s leaving

Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food

Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: allison

Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.

–Upper West Side

Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I’m hungry.

–95th & 2nd

Ugh, Save That Shit for Kings County.

Guy, imitating Middle East accent, to girlfriend: My queen, I’d like to buy this statue. I’m gonna put it down and place a statue of my father.
Girlfriend: Yes my king, let’s use our American Express Black.

–Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: Mike

I Always Preferred Bin Laden Barbie

Older lady #1: He’s a very nice guy. He looks like a terrorist, but he’s so sweet.
Older lady #2, laughing: Really? Well, that’s good.
Older lady #1: Yeah. He’s so smart! Really bright, and really good at making you feel comfortable. I was so glad to have him helping us. But he definitely – if you look at him – he’s like teddy Taliban.

–Waiting Room, NYU Hospital

Overheard by: Hector Hamas?

Pow, Alice, Right in the Wednesday One-Liners!

Tiny boy to another, pointing at crowd exiting the subway station: Look! It’s our audience for the smackdown!

–Carroll St

Overheard by: kdice

20-something girl to another: Have you ever seen my legs? My legs will, like, choke you, forever.

–Prince St.

Overheard by: Roland McFly

Cop: I’m gonna smack somebody!


Overheard by: chris k.

Angry girl: I didn’t give him a hickey, I just bit him!

–Bowery & 3rd St

Street vendor to customer: My big boy, he’ll beat you up. But he won’t try to hurt you.

–Livingston & Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: KP Whitey

Very persistent girl on cell: Come out with me! Get emancipated! Just doctor a video of your parents beating you and get emancipated, and I’ll adopt you, and then we can go out.

–Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: amalthya