Archive for 2016

Read My Lips, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: No I’m not bring­ing any­thing, this is not a date, it’s 10 o’­clock on a Fri­day night. I’m bring­ing my vagi­na, that’s what I’m bring­ing.

–Court St & 2nd Place

Girl on cell: I mean, there’s noth­ing ob­vi­ous­ly wrong with my vagi­na!

–23rd & 7th

Girl on bike: I feel like I’ve had a pen­cil up my vagi­na for 10 hours!

–Hud­son Riv­er Bike Path

Dis­traught NYU stu­dent: I’m cov­ered in vagi­nal cream.

–NYU Dorm, Union Square

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca Fuld

Hur­ried young guy on cell: Well, you can’t just sniff any­one’s vagi­na!

–W 52nd b/w 9th & 10th Ave

Gay on phone: But what does her vag look like?

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Liz

Noth­ing Is Re­al and Noth­ing to Get Hung About

Ston­er #1: Man, this is an awe­some place to come and get stoned.
Ston­er #2: Dude, to­tal­ly. This is what John Lennon was all about.
Ac­tu­al Lennon fan near­by: Shut the fuck up! This is sa­cred land! Do not make me get Yoko Ono to fuck you two up!
Ston­er #1: Geez, calm down.
Ston­er #2: Se­ri­ous­ly. Like, give peace a chance or what­ev­er.

–Straw­ber­ry Fields, Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca M

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Fact or Fic­tion?

Guy: It’s like Au­gust: Os­age Coun­ty, but with zom­bies.

–Man­hat­tan The­atre Source

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Girl: You know what they say: two in the bush, one in the wiz­ard.

–Dorm, Pratt In­sti­tute

Col­lege stu­dent: Ghosts? They’re like VT!

–186th St & Am­s­ter­dam

Black fe­male suit on cell: Yeah, well you bet­ta hope Tin­k­a­bell comes along… Or who­ev­er the fuck it is who grants you ya damn wish­es!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: emi­ly d.

An­noyed man on cell walk­ing down stairs: No, mom, I don’t know what were­wolves eat! No, mom, I don’t! Mom, I can’t talk right now, I’m go­ing in­to the sub­way!

–Union Square Sub­way En­trance

Over­heard by: Masked Avenger

Peo­ple for the Eth­i­cal Treat­ment Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to guy: I don’t think that ham­sters re­spond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Green­wich St.

Over­heard by: Katie Com­pa

Crazy red­neck-look­ing guy to PE­TA cir­cus pro­test­er: They’re gonna do to us what they did to the li­ons! We’ll be put in con­cen­tra­tion camps!

–Madi­son Square Gar­den

Over­heard by: San­ti­a­go and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Gray­ing Brook­lyn guy to an­oth­er: You know, the on­ly thing I haven’t seen is a bob­cat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brook­lyn

Un­der­class­man to an­oth­er: Lizards can’t im­preg­nate any­one. They don’t even have penis­es.

–Townsend Har­ris High School

Over­heard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger cos­tume to Mc­Don­ald’s work­er: There’s an es­caped zoo an­i­mal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serv­ing your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for break­fast menu)

–Mc­Don­ald’s

Would You Like It As a Sup­pos­i­to­ry?

Prep­py-look­ing 30-some­thing, point­ing to the rice: Ew! What is that green stuff?
Un­der­paid Chipo­tle em­ploy­ee: It’s cilantro.
Prep­py-look­ing 30-some­thing: I don’t even know what that is. Why would you put that there?

–Chipo­tle, Union Square

Over­heard by: shorty j