Archive for 2016

They Did It to Con­fuse You

In a dark movie the­ater–

Black guy stand­ing up in his seat: Yo! I’m right over here, hur­ry up and get your ass through the aisle.
His­pan­ic guy: It’s not my prob­lem I can’t see you in the dark, cuz you so black! The on­ly the thing I can see is your white t‑shirt, but every­body has white on

–Lin­coln Cen­ter AMC The­ater

Over­heard by: JKim

Choose Your Own Dat­ing Ad­ven­ture

Hag: I see her point, I think that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend ei­ther. I’m just too high main­te­nence.
Queer: Ha! Girl, you are not high main­te­nance, you are just plain old needy.

–17th & 5th

Over­heard by: Thirsty Vi­o­let

Woman: You are not needy, you are so worth it!

–Ele­phant and Cas­tle, Green­wich Av­enue

Over­heard by: we­cant­draw

He’d Bet­ter Get the Lube Out of the Bar­rel First

Queer: Could you de­liv­er these?
At­ten­dant guy #1: What’s the ad­dress?
At­ten­dant guy #2: He lives [at 985 5th Av­enue].
Queer: How do you know that?
At­ten­dant guy #1: This is my friend the stalk­er.
At­ten­dant guy #2: I have a friend who lives there, so I’ve seen you walk­ing in and out.
Queer: Well, the guy who lives above me has a li­cense to car­ry a gun, and he al­ways does…I have his num­ber on my speed di­al.

–Mon­tague Wines, Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: Da rat

Why DVD Rentals Are So Pop­u­lar

Mom: Are you okay in there, sweet­ie?
Lit­tle girl in stall: I can’t but­ton my pants.
Mom: It’s al­right. Just come on out.
Lit­tle girl in stall: And I pooped on the floor.

–Bath­room, AMC The­atres, Times Square

Ms. Pot­ter Is Kiln Her­self

In­die guy #1: Yeah, man, the la­dy in the com­put­er lab at school is weird.
In­die guy #2: How so?
In­die guy #1: She told me she has­n’t been to sleep in two days… And her eye­brows were singed.

–Cen­tral Park

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Lit­er­al­ly

Man on cell, au­thor­i­ta­tive­ly: Ejac­u­late!

–14th b/w 3rd & 4th

Moth­er to cu­ri­ous lit­tle girl reach­ing out to touch Wall Street bul­l’s tes­ti­cles: No! (yanks her away)

–Bowl­ing Green

Woman shout­ing across a grassy field: Slut­bots!

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Brook­lyn

(in­ter­com beeps 10 times)
Train con­duc­tor, over in­ter­com: Shit.
(in­ter­com con­tin­ues to beep)

–Hud­son Line Train

Man on bike speed­ing along Brook­lyn Bridge walk­way: Pussy­hooool­lleeeeee!

–Brook­lyn Bridge

Qui­et, old­er gen­tle­man sip­ping cof­fee, leaf­ing through news­pa­per: Moth­er­fuck­ers!

–Barnes & No­ble Cof­fee Bar, Broad­way

Over­heard by: Suze V