Guy: I think this museum was designed by Frank Lloyd Webber.
Woman: The playwright?
Guy: This is not art. I’m asking for my money back.
–Guggenheim Museum
Archive for 2016
Yeah, I Was a Bride Of Christ, But He Wouldn’t Do Anal
Woman #1: Ever since she left the church, there’s a big hole in her life.
Woman #2: Which she fills with cock.
–MoMA
Overheard by: Luc
Your Editors Got 197,000,000 Hits
White guy: Honestly, this sounds crazy, but I've never been able to find actual porn on the internet.
Asian girl, indignant: Dude. You just google “porn.”
–Bleecker St
Lucifer’s Still One Stylish Ho
Two hobos are checking out a woman walking by.
Hobo #1: You look like an angel fallen from heaven!
Hobo #2: The angel fallen from heaven is the devil!
Hobo #1: Oh…
–Lafayette & Franklin
Martha Stewart’s New Show Is Awfully Informative
Girl hipster: How do you anally rape someone?
Queer hipster: Stealth.
–Fulton & Gold
Just Keep a Clean Colon and This Job Could Be Yours
Jogging girl: I could see you being a bottom if you had anal sex.
Jogging guy: What? Why?!
Jogging girl: Oh, just 'cause you'd be new at it.
Jogging guy: It's not, like, an internship!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Ladle
Wednesdiverse Multi-Liners
Soulful black man: Well, think about this. A white man lived in Graceland, a black man lived in Neverland. (nods knowingly)
–Downtown A Train
Overheard by: Bearsian
Gallery director to intern: So after he was arrested we sent a letter to Henry Gates asking him for money, you know, since we are a multicultural organization.
–Lower East Side Art Gallery
Latina to Latino: Latinos and black people can't be racist. That's, like, just white people.
–Red Hook, Brooklyn
White hobo: When I see a black nigger together with a white nigger, that just confuses the hell outta me.
–Houston & Clinton
Woman: She likes black dogs because she's black, and I like white dogs because I'm white.
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: Yehuda
According to the Ancient Law, You Snooze, You Lose
(passengers start closing bus windows because of heavy rain)
Girl #1: That window's still open.
Girl #2 (reaching over sleeping girl and closing it): Oh my god, I feel like I'm her savior.
Girl #1: Uh-huh.
Girl #2: But now it's really hot. Should we open a window?
Girl #1: Fine. (reaches over and opens the window next to the sleeping girl)
Girl #2: You're evil.
Girl #1: Yeah, like you weren't thinking of doing the same exact thing.
–Bronx Science Vallo Bus
I’ve Always Wanted to Be a Master Baker
Teenage girl #1 (talking about an upcoming exam): I plan on baking some cupcakes tonight and giving them to Mr Collins* to bribe him.
Teenage girl #2: Good plan… I plan on baking him a handjob.
Teenage girl #1: He seems like a cupcake kind of guy. And a handjob kind of guy.
–Brooklyn Friends School
Overheard by: sounds delicious
Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On
Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this!
–W 50th
Cabbie on cell: Hello? I’m going to beat you up… ‘Cause I want to!
–23rd & Lex
Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street?
–Delancey & Chrystie
Overheard by: Les Chinatown
Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then — I am at the airport…I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn’t bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today.
–99th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Laughing in the back
Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies.
–30th & 5th