Female bystander: That’s such a cute golden retriever, but you should really put a leash on him.
Guy: I take chances, like your first boyfriend did.
–Lefferts Blvd
Archive for 2016
So Put That in Your Pipe and Smoke It
Annoyed commuter: Shut up, you jobless crackhead piece of shit!
Crackhead: Fuck you, man, I got a job! I sell crack.
–A Train
White Folks Hire People to Kill Each Other
Thug #1: Yeah man, there’s some fucked up shit going on.
Thug #2: Word son, niggas killin’ niggas.
White guy across the car: It’s a win-win situation.
–LIRR train to Penn Station from Jamaica
When “How Many Candy Corns Are in the Jar?” Stops Being a Fun Party Game
Guy: How many dicks can you fit in your vagina?
Girl: Umm, I’d say five.
–Fire Island
Overheard by: Pranav
Barbie Dolls Get More and More Lifelike Every Year
Girl: It was because her labia was so strong.
Guy: You aren’t supposed to talk out of your labia.
Girl: She wasn’t talking out of her labia.
Guy: It was a queef. It’s still a sound.
–30th & 5th
Overheard by: Heinz
Then Stop Showing Us Your Hymen
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, is it wrong that I want him inside me?
Tween girl #2: Uh, yeah, especially since you’re like 13 and a virgin.
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, shut up! I don’t want all these New Yorkers to know I’m a virgin!
–50th & 6th
Don’t Even Bother Bringing Up Shallots.
Teen #1: What’s a scallion pancake? Do you put syrup on it?
Teen #2: I don’t know.
Teen #1: I thought scallions were a seafood.
Teen #2: No. That’s “scallops.”
–Chinese Takeout, Queens
Overheard by: illyria
Slows Me Down on the Bike
Bike messenger #1: Education is so fucking overrated. Honestly, the worst mistake I ever made.
Bike messenger #2: Uhhh…
Bike messenger #1: Serious fucking waste of time.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Neilium
Worst Umpire Ever
Little girl: Mommy, my ears hurt!
Mom: That’s your third strike! I said stop!
She hits her daughter.
Little girl: That didn’t hurt.
Mom: I will kill you right now, don’t tell me that didn’t hurt.
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: Zeve
This Is Why You Don’t Rob Banks with Family
Girl to mother: You’re being really obvious, mom, and I don’t need obvious right now.
–W 242nd St
