Archive for April, 2017

White Peo­ple: Is Any Of This Our Fault?

Large black guy #1: Wait, you don’t have your per­mit yet?
Large black guy #2: Nig­ga, that ain’t my fault. You know I can dri­ve, but the writ­ten test fucked me up.
Large black guy #1: I thought you said it was the eas­i­est shit ever.
Large black guy #2: No, it is. I took it in five min­utes. But the last ques­tion was “if there’s an am­bu­lance, a fire truck and a mail truck be­hind you, who do you let by first?“
Large black guy #1: That’s easy. It’s the -
Large black guy #2: Lemme fin­ish. So I put the am­bu­lance right, be­cause some nig­ga be dy­ing back there. But it turns out the an­swer is the postal truck be­cause it’s fed­er­al prop­er­ty and you can’t mess with the feds.
Large black guy #1: That’s some stu­pid shit right there. Some nig­ga be dy­ing in the back. Stu­pid feds. You know, the po­lice can get you now for say­ing the n‑word? They can give you a tick­et and shit.
Large black guy #2: That ain’t right, nig­ga. I’m black and I will act ac­cord­ing­ly.

–2 Train

Start the Clock, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Suit: You know, at 2:30 in the morn­ing, I be­come, like, a zom­bie of love.

–G train

Chick: There’s this guy who lives in that clock over there. They showed his apart­ment on TV. It’s like a pre­his­toric land­mark.

–F train

Over­heard by: mh

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’m a ten-min­utes-ear­ly girl and you’re a ten-min­utes-late girl, and to­geth­er that makes us twen­ty min­utes late.

–Hous­ton & El­dridge

Over­heard by: Shane

Yup­pie la­dy: Let’s see your tits!…Hey, we’ve got time. Take off your top.

–Bryant Park

Guy on cell: You can’t fist some­one for that long. They turn in­to a hand­pup­pet af­ter 5 min­utes.

–47th & 5th

She’s in British Co­lum­bia De­nial

Girl #1: My broth­er dri­ves be­tween Alas­ka and Col­orado once a year. It’s a re­al­ly long dri­ve.
Girl #2: Wait… I thought Alas­ka was­n’t con­nect­ed to Amer­i­ca.
Guy: It’s con­nect­ed to Cana­da.
Girl #2: So, there’s like, a bridge?
Guy: No. It’s con­nect­ed to Cana­da.
Girl #2: No, it’s not! It’s an is­land. Cana­da breaks up over there.
Guy: I swear to god, it’s con­nect­ed to Cana­da.
Girl #2: No!

–Cof­fee shop, Mer­cer & 3rd

You Want to Run In­to Joey from Blos­som?

Girl: So, what do you want to do?
Tourist guy: I want to meet a fa­mous per­son!
Guy: I’m sure we can get some tick­ets to MTV or some­thing.
Tourist guy: No, I wan­na see them on the street and be like “Hey. You!” and have them turn around and be like “*gasp* Woah” and I’d be like “Woah”.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: tee­hee

But If Any­one Asks, I Called Jen­ny

Suit #1: So I’d been work­ing out for two hours a day, al­most dai­ly, for a few months.
Suit #2: How was that?
Suit #1: Well I was­n’t los­ing any weight, so then I re­mem­bered… I’m re­al­ly rich, I could just get lipo.

–Nas­sau & Wall St.

Over­heard by: slave for the man