Archive for April, 2017

You’re Not Get­ting Old­er, You’re Get­ting Wednes­day One-Lin­er

JAP leader, at ta­ble of JAPs: I don’t think of brunch as a time of day, I think of it as a way of life.

–Ess-A-Bagel, Mid­town East

Over­heard by: Da­mon H.

Col­lege girl: Girls should on­ly date guys who are younger than them… I mean, af­ter all, they have short­er lifes­pans!

–Am­s­ter­dam Ave

Col­lege stu­dent to an­oth­er: And then I was like, “look, all I want in life is to get drunk in a field. Am I re­al­ly ask­ing for too much?”

–Bow­ery & Prince

20-some­thing hip­stery guy in jaun­ty base­ball cap, on phone: At this point in my life, do I re­al­ly need to meet Gilbert Got­tfried?

–Bow­ery, across New Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: aaronb

Parkin­son’s Is­n’t Con­ta­gious

Man: Ex­cuse me…I just want­ed to let you know that I was walk­ing just out­side this sta­tion and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and start­ed say­ing some­thing crazy.
MTA la­dy: Did he take any­thing from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!

–Clin­ton-Wash­ing­ton Av­enues sta­tion

Over­heard by: Mar­la Shu

Strange­ly, Not the Shit­ti­est Quote We’ve Ever Got­ten.

High girl #1: Why do peo­ple say “talk­ing out of your ass?” You can’t ac­tu­al­ly talk out of your ass. Like, phys­i­cal­ly.
High girl #2: Well, it’s an ex­pres­sion. Like “talk­ing shit.“
High girl #1: But you can’t ac­tu­al­ly phys­i­cal­ly make words come out of your ass (turns to ran­dom boy). You! Can you talk out of your ass? Like make words come out of it.
Ran­dom boy, amused: No,I can’t say I have.
High girl #2: But where does the ex­pres­sion “talk­ing shit” come from?
Ran­dom boy: I don’t know. It’s like what you’re say­ing is shit, so your talk­ing is… poop.
High girl #2: Poop!
High girl #1: Peo­ple or­der our pat­ties!
High girl #2: From Stop & Shop!
High girl #1, con­fused: No… Sponge­Bob.
High girl #2: Yeah, but no… From Stop & Shop.

–An­i­mal Col­lec­tive Con­cert, Prospect Park