Archive for July, 2017

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a His­to­ry of Vi­o­lence

Guy, to girl: If I want­ed to be an­gry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.

–34th & 7th

Woman on cell: Some­times the most spir­i­tu­al fuck­ing thing to do is punch some­body in the face.

–33rd St & 31st Ave, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Wade

Woman: It’s not like some­one put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Cha

Guy on cell: Yes, I’m in­ter­est­ed in your spar­ring class…No, you see I want to hit some­body.

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: Brain­curve

Thug, to his girl­friend: Yo, I don’t care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.

–Cen­tral Park

He Tricked Me!

Cute girl #1: So you know how my New Year’s res­o­lu­tion was to… keep my legs closed a lit­tle bet­ter?
Cute girl #2: Yes. I did know that. Good one.
Cute girl #1: Well, I had my first slip-up in up­hold­ing it.
Cute girl #2: But it’s Jan­u­ary 2!

–Bleeck­er & Bow­ery

Over­heard by: Unim­pressed, but amused

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a Crash Mo­ment

Teen chick: You know, when I think about it, I re­al­ly don’t know how she can be my sis­ter. Our birth­days are ex­act­ly one month apart, and she’s light-skinned.

–B48 bus, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: eefers

Kid to an­oth­er: No, re­al­ly. I’m telling you — Michael Jack­son used to be black. I saw it on TV.

–B61 bus, Brook­lyn

La­dy to friend: Your black ass is go­ing to melt just as fast as my white ass if there is a nu­clear war.

–116th & Broad­way

White girl to an­oth­er: So, what’s your dream eth­nic­i­ty?

–Q train, Canal St

Big black guy: I love Old Navy be­cause it’s like GAP, but for black peo­ple.

–Old Navy, 6th Ave

Con­duc­tor: Next stop, Penn Sta­tion. Black pow­er, moth­er­fuck­ers.

–2 train, 42nd St

Watch­ing Or­gan­ic and In­or­gan­ic Chemists Dance-Fight Like the Sharks and the Jets

Pro­fes­sor, rolling up a black­board to re­veal a sec­ond black­board that is cov­ered in gen­er­al chem­istry: Oh god! Oh god…get it off! Ew!
(class laughs)
Pro­fes­sor: No, not the ide­al gas law! We don’t need that, we’re or­gan­ic chemists! There is no such thing as gas! No such thing as gas!
Stu­dent #1: Or­gan­ic chemists are very sen­si­tive.
Stu­dent #2: This is kind of trag­ic.

–Or­gan­ic Chem Class, Barnard

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

Those Wacky Home­less

Hobo: It’s not like I even mean to keep talk­ing. I don’t wan­na keep talk­ing. They fucked up when they start­ed mak­ing Taco Bell Dori­tos. They take away the mo­lasses! Why? Be­cause they know I like it. I smoked crack with the FBI. Has­ta la vista, nig­ger. Next time I see you, I’m gonna blow crack smoke in­to your head, you fuck­ing bitch.

–W Train