Archive for August, 2017

It Means You’ll Need to Bring Me the Head Of a Drag­on Be­fore We Can Dis­cuss This Fur­ther

Stu­dent: Am I pass­ing your math class?
Teacher: No.
Stu­dent: But I on­ly need your class to grad­u­ate! What can I do to pass?
Teacher: Ex­cuse me. Just be­cause I’m Chi­nese does not mean you can bar­gain for your grade like this is Chi­na­town.

–High School, Queens

Less Than Truth­ful Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we apol­o­gize for the de­lay. I promise it will nev­er. hap­pen. again.

–up­town C train

Man scream­ing on cell : Nah, I did­n’t lie to you about nuthin’. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho’ would­n’t tell you about it!

–43rd & 6th

Over­heard by: C Mike

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are One Baaaad Moth­er– Shut Yo’ Mouth!

Cute JAP talk­ing about all the stuff she gets: I don’t need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Over­heard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Lis­ten, John. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom.

–R Train

An­noy­ing 40-some­thing new mom: A good mom al­ways has a di­a­per in her pock­et!

–Barnes & No­ble, 18th & 5th

Over­heard by: I Am McLovey

Cowork­er: I got a boot­leg moth­er.

–Mid­town

Win­dow-shop­ping tourist to wife: Look, hon­ey! It’s the dress your moth­er wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Moth­er’s Day and she yells at me for not call­ing her for Moth­er’s Day like my broth­er did. So I go out­side and call her from my cell and say “hap­py Moth­er’s Day!” and she yells at me for be­ing an id­iot.

–37th & 7th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Mas­ters of Their Own Ver­bal Do­main

Guy: They’re squat­ters and ravers. They squat and rave…They squa­ve.

–Belle and Se­bas­t­ian show, Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: Lacey

Suit: You know how some peo­ple wing it? Well I wanged it. I to­tal­ly wanged it.

–52nd & 7th

Over­heard by: Jat­mos

Asian guy: It seems like every­one is giv­ing head­jobs these days.

–Flinders St

Over­heard by: duygu

Fe­male nurse: I’m telling you, he is to­tal­ly in­ter­con­ti­nen­tal. I have to change him 4 times a day.

–Hud­son & Spring

Over­heard by: AJ Stone

Word­smith, on the phone: Ma’am, her train is be­ing de­layed be­cause of con­sti­pa­tion.

–Of­fice, 1250 Broad­way

Teen on cell: He’s not very smart…Yeah, I just need some­one to con­ver­sate with.

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: Chelsea

Col­lege guy: The word “se­cre­tion” just fucks me up.

–NYU

10-Year-Old boy: I ain’t speakin’ no lan­guage.

–B48 bus, Franklin & DeKalb

Over­heard by: Kyri

Tourist: Sex­u­al at­ten­tion is the on­ly lan­guage I re­al­ly un­der­stand.

–Around the Clock Din­er, Stuyvesant & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: gwe­ny

Woman: The les­bians don’t like the Jews…I mean the Lebanese.

–Par­ty, 16th & 1st

Girl: Stop star­ing at all the build­ings, you look like a terrorist!…I mean tourist. Same thing.

–8th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: ce­ci

Girl: Oh, my shoes to­tal­ly fell asleep…Fell asleep? Fell apart!

–Fort Greene Park, Brook­lyn

Wednes­day XXX-lin­ers

Man on cell: Yeah, I got girls who can do that…That too. You just call me back in an hour, I’ll be at the house…I know you make high-qual­i­ty adult pro­duc­tions, you’re the kind of man I want to be work­ing with…No, the girls talk through me…I got this one girl, very high qual­i­ty, based in Ore­gon, she was in Las Ve­gas last week, she’ll do what­ev­er you ask…

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park