Thug #1: Does she love you?
Thug #2: I know she loves me. She did my dishes!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Lauren
Archive for August, 2017
Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200
Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.
–St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: mkb
Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.
–50th & 8th
Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…
–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse
Overheard by: Julian
Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.
–JFK Airport
Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!
–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom
Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone
Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?
–Harlem U‑Haul
But It’s Covered in Bugs
Clerk: Sir, please check your bag.
Customer #1: The money’s in the bag. If you take the bag, I won’t spend the money.
Customer #2: Here’s my ticket. But I want that bag.
–Forbidden Planet
See? Saw!
Mother, pointing to a woman playing the musical saw: She is singing!
Son: No, She’s playing the saw.
Mother: There is an orchestra playing!
Son: It is a tape.
Mother: And she is singing?
Son. No. She is sawing.
Mother: What did you say?
Son: Go, have a look.
Mother: .……
Son: And?
Mother: It’s like singing.
Son: That’s it, the saw.
Mother: What a nice voice she has!
Son: She is not singing. It’s the saw that’s singing.
Mother: No way… She is singing into the saw?
Son: No, no singing. Just sawing.
Mother: But she is opening her mouth.
Son: She is breathing.
Mother: Are you sure she is not singing?
–Union Square subway station
So Now We Hate Her, Right?
Preteen #1: Oh my god, I’m wearing pink underwear today.
Preteen #2: Really? Remember that time I wore that pink dress?
Preteen #1: Yeah, but I mean, like, Victoria’s Secret-pink.
Preteen #2: Oh, right, I love those.
Preteen #1, after a beat: Hey, do you like eggs?
Preteen #2: Um, of course I do. Who doesn’t like eggs?
Preteen #1: My friend hates eggs.
Preteen #2: Oh my god, no way.
Preteen #1: Yeah, but she likes cheese. It’s okay.
Preteen #2: Oh, okay. That’s good.
Preteen #1: Yeah. She likes both kinds of cheese.
Preteen #2: Ew, I only like that one kind.
–Fitting room, Macy’s
Overheard by: awkward annie
It’s Where She Does Her Secret Eating
Girl #1: Where did she go?
Girl #2: She went to the bathroom.
Girl #1: Why?
–Amtrak
Overheard by: mike the observer
See How Easy It Is Finding Someone to Tell You What to Do?
Ditzy blonde: I know you’ll think this is stupid, but I was thinking of going to a life coach. A life coach or a really good psychic.
Brunette friend: You know what? I do think it’s stupid. Here, I’ll be your life coach: Fuck psychics, and go get a job. Oh, and don’t get fired this time. You’re fixed now.
–Metro North-Harlem
Young Whoopi Goldberg Knew She Had to Be Funnier Than This Guy
Comedy show promoter: Miss! You dropped a dreadlock!
Black woman with dreadlocks: Where? (worriedly searches the ground)
Comedy show promoter, holding flyer in her face as looks up: Just kidding! You like comedy?
–Union Square
Wow, I’m Even Smarter Than I Thought
Little kid: Mom, what language they speak in England?
Mother: English.
Little kid: How do you say “hi” in English?
Mother: “Hi”, you are speaking English.
–85th St & Amsterdam Ave
That’s the Axe Effect, You Gauche Biotech
A crazy man mutters to a girl walking by. She ignores him and keeps walking.
Crazy man: God kill all the lesbians. God please kill all the lesbians. Kill the lesbians. God please kill all the lesbians!
Woman on bench: Yeah, I’m sure it’s because she is a lesbian, and had has nothing to do with the fact that he has three combs stuck in his afro and smells like a dead goat.
–Columbus Circle station
