Archive for November, 2017

Dear Di­ary, Reynolds Ad­mit­ted He Loves Me To­day! Well, Al­most.

Girl: Why don’t you ever in­vite me to the dorms?
Guy: ‘Cause if you wan­na come, you should ask.
Girl: Well, do you want me to come over?
Guy: If I don’t have to study, yeah.
Girl: Well then you should in­vite me!
Guy: Why?
Girl: ‘Cause it would make me hap­py!
Guy: What the hell do I care?
Girl: Well, you would­n’t go down on me if you did­n’t want me to be at least pleased.
Guy: That…is prob­a­bly the best ar­gu­ment you could have made.
Girl: I’m so glad no one speaks Eng­lish on this train.

–1 train

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

This Is the Line Vad­er Should Have Tak­en with Luke

Black dude on cell: So I got her preg­nant. And she want­ed me to care and shit, and I was like, ‘I’m a street nig­ga!’ And you know what I’m sayin’, ’cause you’re one, too. I did­n’t want to be a fa­ther. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit — all mug­ly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lac­ing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.

–E train

I’ve Par­layed It In­to a Lu­cra­tive Mod­el­ing Ca­reer

Cus­tomer: I love your fries, I’m so ad­dict­ed.
Cashier: Have you tried any­thing else on our menu?
Cus­tomer: Ac­tu­al­ly, I’m al­ler­gic to chick­peas, so, no.
Cashier: Oh, man, that sucks. Our falafel is so good!
Cus­tomer: Yeah…
Cashier: Well, hey, at least you’re not al­ler­gic to wheat.
Cus­tomer: Um…actually…
Cashier: Damn! How do you live like that?

–Taim , West Vil­lage

And That’s One to Grow On

Guy on cell: Se­ri­ous­ly [Bryan] the shit won’t go away! The fuck­ing rash is still there.…yes, I put that cream on my dick but shit, it’s still there!…Oh, I have to put the cream on more than once? You nev­er men­tioned that.
Woman: Sweet­ie, every­one knows you have to put cream on more than once, no mat­ter where you put it.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ali