Archive for December, 2017

You Can’t Wear That Kind Of Silk As­cot and Not Be at Least Bi

Hobo to girl who just gave him a two-dol­lar bill: Would you look at that, two dol­lars! Thomas Jef­fer­son is on this bill. He was a queen. That’s right, he was a gay old fag­got.
(girl walks away very quick­ly) Do you want to help me and Thomas Jef­fer­son go to Hawaii? That’s right! Hawai-ii­i­i­i­ii!

–13th & 6th

Janie Got a Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Voice over em­ploy­ee’s walkie-talkie: Okay, I re­al­ly need those guns. Any­one who has one, I need it down in bridal.

–Bed Bath & Be­yond

Ob­nox­ious woman: So I said, “moth­er­fuck­er, I’m not your sister–I’m your cousin. So I will shoot you.”

–Up­town 2 Train

Large black man: If you ain’t got no bul­lets, you got­s­ta melee!

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Over­heard by: Zach

Wannabe hip-hop­per, try­ing to sell CD: It’s clean mu­sic, and I ain’t nev­er shot no one!

–Union Square

20-some­thing guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it’s over ten years old!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Emi­ly David­son

Dude, af­ter chat­ting to po­lice­woman: I just have a thing for women in uni­form! My mind says, “no, no, set­tle down,” and my pe­nis says, “but she’s got a gun!”

–Hud­son & Laight

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Go­ing Once…Going Twice…Sold!

Bro, out of SUV win­dow: I sold my ass on Craigslist and I’m proud of it!

–5th Ave & Union St, Brook­lyn

Store clerk: Every­one, lis­ten up. Do not let your chil­dren wan­der around the store. Any un­at­tend­ed chil­dren will be sold to Nike.

–Cos­tume Shop, Union Square

Over­heard by: hatal­ie

Thug on sub­way: Good af­ter­noon, ladies and gen­tle­men. I’m here sell­in’ can­dy cause it’s bet­ter than sell­in’ drugs. I got snick­ers, M&Ms…

–L Train

Over­heard by: I’ll take the M&M’s

Hip­ster to friend: Wait, so the guy who used to sell him blow is now a char­ac­ter wit­ness in his rape case?

–Throop Ave & Ellery

I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash

Drunk tourist flirt: It was ver­rry nice meet­ing you all, and I hope to see you all again re­al soon! [Shakes hands with lo­cal teens, then leaves.]Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wan­na fuck e’ry­body!

–4 train

Over­heard by: Not Me

Head­line by: Veg­gieGirl

Run­ners-Up:
· “As If We Need to Im­port That or Some­thing” — gib
· “I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake” — Ken H.
· “Read­er Sur­vey: Brit­ney, Paris, or Lind­sey? Vote Now!” — Fleet­line
· “She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa.” — Red­neck Je­di
· “South­ern Hos­pi­tal­i­ty Is the Shiz­zle” — The Heiress

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

If This Con­ver­sa­tion Goes on for Much Longer, There Def­i­nite­ly Is­n’t a God.

Boy, af­ter watch­ing An In­con­ve­nient Truth: Do you be­lieve in god?
Girl: I be­lieve in moth­er na­ture.
Boy: You don’t be­lieve in god?
Girl: I mean, I do… But I be­lieve this is hap­pen­ing be­cause of na­ture.
Boy: But you be­lieve in her?
Girl: What?
Boy: Moth­er na­ture?
Girl: Moth­er na­ture is not like a per­son… It’s just a say­ing for na­ture.
Boy: Wait… What? Oh… (pause) I thought she was like a tree or some­thing.

–Re­gal Cin­e­ma, Union Square

Over­heard by: Noe­man Sam­dani

That Just Means the Boy Likes You

Young His­pan­ic boy: Don’t eat Do­mini­can sushi.
Young His­pan­ic girl #1: Why?
Young His­pan­ic girl #2: Be­cause… It’s got sala­mi in it!

–Have­mey­er & South 1st, Williams­burg, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: mac­dad­dynyc