Husband to wife: I can’t tell if this is a circus or a zoo.
Random gay passerby: Oh my god! It’s a zoo!
Wife to husband: Well, I guess that clears that up.
–The Armory Show, Pier 94
Archive for December, 2017
You Can’t Wear That Kind Of Silk Ascot and Not Be at Least Bi
Hobo to girl who just gave him a two-dollar bill: Would you look at that, two dollars! Thomas Jefferson is on this bill. He was a queen. That’s right, he was a gay old faggot.
(girl walks away very quickly) Do you want to help me and Thomas Jefferson go to Hawaii? That’s right! Hawai-iiiiiii!
–13th & 6th
When It Comes to Naming, New Yorkers Have No Equa
Teenage boy #1: I saw you with Shanequa yesterday.
Teenage boy #2: No, that was Tamequa.
Teenage boy #3: Man… If I meet another ‑equa I’m gonna kill somebody.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Zetspat
Was It Hard to Learn All That Spanish?
Gap employee #1: What’s your major again?
Gap employee #2: French studies.
Gap employee #1: Oh yeah, you’re all into London and shit, right?
–The Gap
Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner
Voice over employee’s walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal.
–Bed Bath & Beyond
Obnoxious woman: So I said, “motherfucker, I’m not your sister – I’m your cousin. So I will shoot you.”
–Uptown 2 Train
Large black man: If you ain’t got no bullets, you gotsta melee!
–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th
Overheard by: Zach
Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It’s clean music, and I ain’t never shot no one!
–Union Square
20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it’s over ten years old!
–19th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily Davidson
Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, “no, no, settle down,” and my penis says, “but she’s got a gun!”
–Hudson & Laight
Good Thing There’s Sawdust on the Floor
Soccer fan #1, disturbed by screaming children while watching World Cup: Where the hell did all these kids come from?
Soccer fan #2, still watching screen: My guess is various wombs.
–Sports Bar, Red Hook
Overheard by: KP Whitey
Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Once…Going Twice…Sold!
Bro, out of SUV window: I sold my ass on Craigslist and I’m proud of it!
–5th Ave & Union St, Brooklyn
Store clerk: Everyone, listen up. Do not let your children wander around the store. Any unattended children will be sold to Nike.
–Costume Shop, Union Square
Overheard by: hatalie
Thug on subway: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’m here sellin’ candy cause it’s better than sellin’ drugs. I got snickers, M&Ms…
–L Train
Overheard by: I’ll take the M&M’s
Hipster to friend: Wait, so the guy who used to sell him blow is now a character witness in his rape case?
–Throop Ave & Ellery
I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash
Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e’rybody!
–4 train
Overheard by: Not Me
Headline by: VeggieGirl
Runners-Up:
· “As If We Need to Import That or Something” — gib
· “I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake” — Ken H.
· “Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!” — Fleetline
· “She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa.” — Redneck Jedi
· “Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle” — The Heiress
If This Conversation Goes on for Much Longer, There Definitely Isn’t a God.
Boy, after watching An Inconvenient Truth: Do you believe in god?
Girl: I believe in mother nature.
Boy: You don’t believe in god?
Girl: I mean, I do… But I believe this is happening because of nature.
Boy: But you believe in her?
Girl: What?
Boy: Mother nature?
Girl: Mother nature is not like a person… It’s just a saying for nature.
Boy: Wait… What? Oh… (pause) I thought she was like a tree or something.
–Regal Cinema, Union Square
Overheard by: Noeman Samdani
That Just Means the Boy Likes You
Young Hispanic boy: Don’t eat Dominican sushi.
Young Hispanic girl #1: Why?
Young Hispanic girl #2: Because… It’s got salami in it!
–Havemeyer & South 1st, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Overheard by: macdaddynyc
