Archive for 2017

Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Clerk: Man, people stink. That’s why I’m saying, ‘You want a friend, get a dog. Name it Chico. Only thing Chico won’t do for you is open his own can of dog food.’

–Duane Reade

Black guy to friend: Man, what you gotta do is you gotta go down to the dog track and get it poppin’ with those extreme titties!

–Bar, 5th Ave, Park Slope

Happy hobo: I’m in Manhattan! I’m walkin’ down Prince Street! Hey, now I’m crossin’ Sullivan! Uh-oh, time to make a sound like a dog — woof! Woof! Woof!

–Soho

White girl on cell: DMX got in trouble for fighting dogs too? No, of course I didn’t know that. Where the fuck would you get the idea that I know what DMX does with his spare time?

–114th & Broadway

JAP: I never told her the dog licked her vibrator.

–Coffee shop, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Need the Smelling Salts

Girl with big hair: Man, this summer is going to be nuts! I’m going to, like, live in that house! I’m going to pass out in that house!

–PATH

Overheard by: SuchAmbitiousPlans

20-something professional guy on phone: Look man, all I know is that I blacked out, so whatever happened to her after that is in no way my fault.

–Hudson & Charles

Female college-age brat: My roommates tell me they throw up–I never throw up! I pass out before I throw up.

–10th & Ave A

Conductor: Get your tickets out, before you pass out!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: Nettle

It Was Like a Circuit Party in My Mouth!

Guy #1: And then we went over to the Starbursts and got a, ya know… a… Jumbo latex frittata.
Guy #2, perplexed: A what?! (pause) No, actually, never mind, don’t explain it.

–53rd & 6th

Overheard by: Rochel