Guy: So people ask me, “What am I?”, and I say, “Firstly, I’m a person and an American.” It’s such a contextual paradox. I just can’t explain it.
Girl: Huh?
Guy: I just said I can’t explain it, it’s a contextual paradox.
–N train
Archive for 2017
If He’s in Rehab, He’s Clearly Gay
Woman #1: Oh! This guy is so hot.
Woman #2: He’s a druggie.
Woman #1: He’s so hot. Oh God. I can’t even stand it!
Woman #2: Maybe you’ll meet him in rehab.
–MTV Studios, Times Square
You’re Not Getting Older, You’re Getting Wednesday One-Liner
JAP leader, at table of JAPs: I don’t think of brunch as a time of day, I think of it as a way of life.
–Ess-A-Bagel, Midtown East
Overheard by: Damon H.
College girl: Girls should only date guys who are younger than them… I mean, after all, they have shorter lifespans!
–Amsterdam Ave
College student to another: And then I was like, “look, all I want in life is to get drunk in a field. Am I really asking for too much?”
–Bowery & Prince
20-something hipstery guy in jaunty baseball cap, on phone: At this point in my life, do I really need to meet Gilbert Gottfried?
–Bowery, across New Museum
Overheard by: aaronb
Parkinson’s Isn’t Contagious
Man: Excuse me…I just wanted to let you know that I was walking just outside this station and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and started saying something crazy.
MTA lady: Did he take anything from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!
–Clinton-Washington Avenues station
Overheard by: Marla Shu
Strangely, Not the Shittiest Quote We’ve Ever Gotten.
High girl #1: Why do people say “talking out of your ass?” You can’t actually talk out of your ass. Like, physically.
High girl #2: Well, it’s an expression. Like “talking shit.“
High girl #1: But you can’t actually physically make words come out of your ass (turns to random boy). You! Can you talk out of your ass? Like make words come out of it.
Random boy, amused: No,I can’t say I have.
High girl #2: But where does the expression “talking shit” come from?
Random boy: I don’t know. It’s like what you’re saying is shit, so your talking is… poop.
High girl #2: Poop!
High girl #1: People order our patties!
High girl #2: From Stop & Shop!
High girl #1, confused: No… SpongeBob.
High girl #2: Yeah, but no… From Stop & Shop.
–Animal Collective Concert, Prospect Park
