Archive for 2017

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Col­lect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re sup­posed to like be­ing in­car­cer­at­ed.

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: mkb

Mid­dle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn my­self in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this cour­t­house…

–Gi­ants Pa­rade, in Front of the Cour­t­house

Over­heard by: Ju­lian

Guy on phone: We re­al­ly got our­selves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out soon­er for good be­hav­ior. We should have nev­er got­ten in­volved.

–JFK Air­port

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Mi­ran­da rights, bitch! I will ar­rest you!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty Wom­en’s Bath­room

Over­heard by: un­sure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t un­der­stand, miss. That is per­jury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not lis­ten­ing to me. I would be ar­rest­ed. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to cus­tomers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U‑Haul

See? Saw!

Moth­er, point­ing to a woman play­ing the mu­si­cal saw: She is singing!
Son: No, She’s play­ing the saw.
Moth­er: There is an or­ches­tra play­ing!
Son: It is a tape.
Moth­er: And she is singing?
Son. No. She is saw­ing.
Moth­er: What did you say?
Son: Go, have a look.
Moth­er: .……
Son: And?
Moth­er: It’s like singing.
Son: That’s it, the saw.
Moth­er: What a nice voice she has!
Son: She is not singing. It’s the saw that’s singing.
Moth­er: No way… She is singing in­to the saw?
Son: No, no singing. Just saw­ing.
Moth­er: But she is open­ing her mouth.
Son: She is breath­ing.
Moth­er: Are you sure she is not singing?

–Union Square sub­way sta­tion

So Now We Hate Her, Right?

Pre­teen #1: Oh my god, I’m wear­ing pink un­der­wear to­day.
Pre­teen #2: Re­al­ly? Re­mem­ber that time I wore that pink dress?
Pre­teen #1: Yeah, but I mean, like, Vic­to­ri­a’s Se­cret-pink.
Pre­teen #2: Oh, right, I love those.
Pre­teen #1, af­ter a beat: Hey, do you like eggs?
Pre­teen #2: Um, of course I do. Who does­n’t like eggs?
Pre­teen #1: My friend hates eggs.
Pre­teen #2: Oh my god, no way.
Pre­teen #1: Yeah, but she likes cheese. It’s okay.
Pre­teen #2: Oh, okay. That’s good.
Pre­teen #1: Yeah. She likes both kinds of cheese.
Pre­teen #2: Ew, I on­ly like that one kind.

–Fit­ting room, Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: awk­ward an­nie

See How Easy It Is Find­ing Some­one to Tell You What to Do?

Ditzy blonde: I know you’ll think this is stu­pid, but I was think­ing of go­ing to a life coach. A life coach or a re­al­ly good psy­chic.
Brunette friend: You know what? I do think it’s stu­pid. Here, I’ll be your life coach: Fuck psy­chics, and go get a job. Oh, and don’t get fired this time. You’re fixed now.

–Metro North-Harlem