guy at counter "would you like anything in your coffee"
customer "cocaine… Just a sprinkle if you have"
–Europan on 78th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lea
Archive for 2017
A Real Celebrity Submission!
Janeane Garofalo: …so I just cover my whole body in Gold Bond powder.
–1st Ave. & 3rd St.
See What You've Started, Beyonce?
Guy #1, yelling: Fuck yeah! Put that one in the satchel!
Guy #2: That had “skankalicious” written all over it.
–35th & 7th
Overheard by: GJL
Headline by: Porter
Runners-Up:
· “Britney’s Got a New Clothing Line?” – Ray
· “In Accordance With the New Truth in Graffiti Regulations” – bq
· “It’s the New “Gucci”” – JohnnyB
· “Someone Tell Fergie to Stop Making Up Song Titles” – Botticus
· “The New Mariah Carey Doll Created Unexpected Collectors” – EddieA
There Were All Kinds of Things in Her Breast Milk
Teen: Iced cappuccino, please.
Middle-aged tourist: Aren’t you a little young for that much caffeine, sweetie?
Teen: Uhhh, I’m from New York — there was caffeine in my breast milk.
Middle-aged tourist: Oh! You’re from here! Well… Could you give me directions to–
Teen: –Don’t you people have maps for that kind of thing?
–Bread Factory, 785 Lexington
Wednesday One-Liners and the World of Tomorrow
Little boy to mom: I didn’t know that sometimes alarm clocks don’t work. This conversation is over now. We are not discussing it anymore.
–F train, Park Slope
Thug: Don’t whiz on the electric fence!
–D train, Fordham Rd station
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Guy shouting at motorcyclist revving engine: It’s a fucking Yamaha! It’s only a fucking Yamaha!
–St. Marks & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: shadday
Ghetto chick: Dwayne stole that iPod, anyway. He should have given it to me for free!
–14th St station
Overheard by: am I missing an ipod?
Guy: It’d take a big-ass blowtorch to circumcise a robot.
–Waverly Pl & Greene St
It Means You'll Need to Bring Me the Head Of a Dragon Before We Can Discuss This Further
Student: Am I passing your math class?
Teacher: No.
Student: But I only need your class to graduate! What can I do to pass?
Teacher: Excuse me. Just because I'm Chinese does not mean you can bargain for your grade like this is Chinatown.
–High School, Queens
That'd Be Awful– Really Cool to See, Though
Volunteer with clipboard: Do you have a minute to help the environment?
Suit on cell: Fuck the environment, I hope the shit blows up!
–14 St b/w 5th & 6 Ave
Someone Doesn't Know How to Use the Vocative Case.
Loud teenage girl: What's good, son?
Latin teacher: Hey! No English!
Loud teenage girl: Quid bonum est, filio?
–High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
It Told Me to Kill My Neighbor
Man: …I’m a real East Village type of guy. I mean, I have a bird that talks.
–East Village
Less Than Truthful Wednesday One-liners
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. I promise it will never. happen. again.
–uptown C train
Man screaming on cell : Nah, I didn’t lie to you about nuthin’. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho’ wouldn’t tell you about it!
–43rd & 6th
Overheard by: C Mike