Archive for 2017

Ends­day One-Lin­ers

Ir­ri­tat­ed girl to im­plor­ing guy: I’m gonna have enough to an­swer for on Judg­ment Day–I’m not adding this to the list.

–Strip Club, Times Square

20-some­thing prep­ster: If the zom­bie apoc­a­lypse hap­pens to­mor­row, we are all fucked.

–L Train

Thug, at sun­set: Yo, it be get­tin’ dark, nig­ga! It’s like the apoc­a­lypse or some shit!

–Corte­ly­ou & E 17th St

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Ex­as­per­at­ed man: If you cre­ate a black hole, it’s go­ing to de­stroy the world no mat­ter *where* you put it!

–14th St & 6th

Over­heard by: wish­ing­sciencewere­taugh­tin­school

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, from the Red­wood For­est to the Gulf Stream Wa­ters

Very heavy ten-year-old boy, yelling ex­cit­ed­ly: I heard they have ba­con fla­vored pop­corn in Flori­da! I love the south!

–Flush­ing, Queens

Hip­ster girl on cell: The en­tire state of Mis­sis­sip­pi is­n’t a com­plete waste of space, even though it seems like it right now.

–At­lantic & Smith, Brook­lyn Heights

Wino, grab­bing can of beer: Here’s 15 cents. I’ll get the rest of it for you to­day. I promise! I’m from Geor­gia, I know how this shit works!

–Deli at 33rd & 7th

Over­heard by: EthanK

Loud girl to friend: Maria? Mari­a’s not dead, Mari­a’s in Vir­ginia?

–BxM10 Bus

Over­heard by: bx­girl

Girl to boyfriend: I mean, when some­one says they’re throw­ing an “Iowa State Fair”-themed wed­ding, you don’t think twice about go­ing!

–30th Ave, As­to­ria

Sparkling Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Gay man: I think my blood type has re­cent­ly changed from O pos­i­tive to Caber­net.

–Green­wich Wine Bar

Over­heard by: Bri

Woman with too much make­up on cell: What the fuck is a De­mi Lo­va­to? Some kin­da sweet wine?

–Lime­light Mar­ket, 20th St. & 6th Ave.

Over­heard by: Man­hattman

Cowork­er: Oooh, I can’t be­lieve I’m go­ing there. I can’t wait to pay $20 for a glass of cham­pagne tonight!

–Of­fice Build­ing, Union Square

Over­heard by: cube girl

Guy on cell wait­ing to cross street: Which kind of art is im­pres­sion­ism? (pause) Oh, yeah, I re­al­ly like the old­er stuff. But we should to­tal­ly go. I bet they’ll have free wine.

–23rd and 7th

Suit on cell: I’m not good at say­ing this be­cause I am such a hol­low and dis­turbed in­di­vid­ual, but… I love you… And that’s not just the wine talk­ing.

–43rd & 9th

Over­heard by: or maybe it is…

I Sug­gest You Start With That One

20-some­thing ed­u­cat­ed wangs­ta: I would like to stab the guy who’s the head of the MTA. And then when I go to jail no­body would have a prob­lem with me cuz I tell em’ I stabbed the head of the MTA. In fact, they be bringin me car­tons.
Friend: True dat! They be sayin “don’t mess with that guy, he stabbed the head of the MTA.” You fun­ny man.
20-some­thing ed­u­cat­ed wangs­ta: Yeah, if I went to jail I’d sur­vive cuz I be like Scheherazade.
Friend: Who?
20-some­thing ed­u­cat­ed wangs­ta: You know, that girl with the 1000 Ara­bi­an Nights? I’d just tell a dif­fer­ent joke every­day so they’d let me live.

–L Train

His Next Move Was to Ask a Friend­ly Po­lice Of­fi­cer Where He Could Pro­cure Some

For­eign­er, show­ing bong: And here is what I bought to­day.
Ghet­to kid: Yeah, whatcha gonna put in there? To­bac­co?
For­eign­er: Yes, I put the to­bac­co in here. The to­bac­co.
Ghet­to kid: No, man. You got­ta put some weed in there. You ever heard of weed?
For­eign­er: Weed? No…weed? I don’t un­der­stand.
Ghet­to kid: Get some weed. You put a lit­tle weed in there, smoke it up, and you’re set.
For­eign­er: Yes, thank you. Weed.

–Brook­lyn bound B train

Over­heard by: An­ti-Traf­fic Girl

Would You Like Me to Hit You in the Face?

Drunk girl: So, how have you been do­ing late­ly?
Jew­ish guy: Oh, fine, I guess. I’m just — ugh — like, so sick of hav­ing to play the part of the Jew­ish fuck­ing in­tel­lec­tu­al who likes to go see plays. I hate fuck­ing see­ing plays. I would rather get hit in the face than go see a play. I’m sick of hav­ing to lie to my Jew­ish friends when they ask me, ‘Oh, have you seen that new play?’ And I have to say, ‘No, but I want to go see it!’ I don’t want to go see the fuck­ing play!
Drunk girl: Hm­mm… Yeah, that is rough.

–E 3rd & 2nd