Archive for 2017

Wednesday One-Liners, from the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters

Very heavy ten-year-old boy, yelling excitedly: I heard they have bacon flavored popcorn in Florida! I love the south!

–Flushing, Queens

Hipster girl on cell: The entire state of Mississippi isn’t a complete waste of space, even though it seems like it right now.

–Atlantic & Smith, Brooklyn Heights

Wino, grabbing can of beer: Here’s 15 cents. I’ll get the rest of it for you today. I promise! I’m from Georgia, I know how this shit works!

–Deli at 33rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Loud girl to friend: Maria? Maria’s not dead, Maria’s in Virginia?

–BxM10 Bus

Overheard by: bxgirl

Girl to boyfriend: I mean, when someone says they’re throwing an “Iowa State Fair”-themed wedding, you don’t think twice about going!

–30th Ave, Astoria

Sparkling Wednesday One-Liners

Gay man: I think my blood type has recently changed from O positive to Cabernet.

–Greenwich Wine Bar

Overheard by: Bri

Woman with too much makeup on cell: What the fuck is a Demi Lovato? Some kinda sweet wine?

–Limelight Market, 20th St. & 6th Ave.

Overheard by: Manhattman

Coworker: Oooh, I can’t believe I’m going there. I can’t wait to pay $20 for a glass of champagne tonight!

–Office Building, Union Square

Overheard by: cube girl

Guy on cell waiting to cross street: Which kind of art is impressionism? (pause) Oh, yeah, I really like the older stuff. But we should totally go. I bet they’ll have free wine.

–23rd and 7th

Suit on cell: I’m not good at saying this because I am such a hollow and disturbed individual, but… I love you… And that’s not just the wine talking.

–43rd & 9th

Overheard by: or maybe it is…

I Suggest You Start With That One

20-something educated wangsta: I would like to stab the guy who’s the head of the MTA. And then when I go to jail nobody would have a problem with me cuz I tell em’ I stabbed the head of the MTA. In fact, they be bringin me cartons.
Friend: True dat! They be sayin “don’t mess with that guy, he stabbed the head of the MTA.” You funny man.
20-something educated wangsta: Yeah, if I went to jail I’d survive cuz I be like Scheherazade.
Friend: Who?
20-something educated wangsta: You know, that girl with the 1000 Arabian Nights? I’d just tell a different joke everyday so they’d let me live.

–L Train

His Next Move Was to Ask a Friendly Police Officer Where He Could Procure Some

Foreigner, showing bong: And here is what I bought today.
Ghetto kid: Yeah, whatcha gonna put in there? Tobacco?
Foreigner: Yes, I put the tobacco in here. The tobacco.
Ghetto kid: No, man. You gotta put some weed in there. You ever heard of weed?
Foreigner: Weed? No…weed? I don’t understand.
Ghetto kid: Get some weed. You put a little weed in there, smoke it up, and you’re set.
Foreigner: Yes, thank you. Weed.

–Brooklyn bound B train

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

Would You Like Me to Hit You in the Face?

Drunk girl: So, how have you been doing lately?
Jewish guy: Oh, fine, I guess. I’m just — ugh — like, so sick of having to play the part of the Jewish fucking intellectual who likes to go see plays. I hate fucking seeing plays. I would rather get hit in the face than go see a play. I’m sick of having to lie to my Jewish friends when they ask me, ‘Oh, have you seen that new play?’ And I have to say, ‘No, but I want to go see it!’ I don’t want to go see the fucking play!
Drunk girl: Hmmm… Yeah, that is rough.

–E 3rd & 2nd

Embrace Your Mediocrity

Girl: Why do my friends say I’m a hipster? I am not a hipster!!
Guy: No, you’re not a hipster at all. You shower every day.
Girl: Exactly! So what am I?
Guy: You’re just a semi-productive person.

–1st Ave & 10th St