Archive for 2017

Now that’s an ed­u­ca­tion

Young woman at a par­ty in Man­hat­tan: “On the first day, the di­rec­tor of the de­part­ment in­tro­duced us to the writ­ing pro­gram and, when he asked us if we had any que­si­tons, one girl raised her hand and she asked, ‘Where are all the guys?’–that was the first ques­tion some­one asked! I was so em­bar­rassed.”

Tues­days with Mor­rie Used to Be Way Less Awk­ward

Guy #1 hold­ing porn DVD: I would so love to fuck a girl that was in­to DP.
Guy #2: Yeah, me too, but ball touch­ing is so gay, and I’m try­ing to re­cov­er from the cock.

Head­line by: Will

Run­ners-Up:

· “Be­cause hot cock re­quires cold turkey” — Greg Costel­lo

· “He al­so just had laser surgery for his mas­tur­ba­to­ry blind­ness” — re­mark

· “I know dad, i know.” — nick

· “I think there’s a 12 inch pro­gram for that.” — nick

· “Rec­tum? That roost­er near­ly killed ‘im!” — Dal­ton

· “Step One: Stop go­ing to the porn shop with your “bud­dy”” — DanaL­ishs


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Ruf­fle Some Feath­ers

Un­der­age drunk guy to girl: You know Boston Mar­ket? You know those chick­ens in the ro­tis­serie in the win­dow? Well, imag­ine your­self in that po­si­tion. Don’t be Boston Mar­ket.

–Du­ane Reade, 34th & 3rd

WASP la­dy: It’s so an­noy­ing — birds chirp­ing every­where.

–Madi­son Square Park

Drunk guy: Hear­ing birds fuck­ing is aw­ful. This one time I saw this bird fuckin’ an­oth­er bird in the ass. Then he pulls out and a cou­ple of pel­lets pop out. The oth­er bird was shit­tin’ on his fuckin’ dick, bro! Birds are fucked up, man!

–LIRR, be­tween Flat­bush Ave & Ja­maica

Over­heard by: Ste­vie

Bim­bette: Did you see the Plan­et Earth se­ries? Re­mem­ber those birds do­ing the mat­ing dance? Yeah, those birds were so hot. I would do them…

–Cold Stone, 86th & 2nd

Over­heard by: Shak­ing my head at our sad cul­ture

Young la­dy suit on cell: I have a feel­ing to­day is go­ing to suck — the crazy bird man is strolling down the block as we speak. Yeah, the one I saw on the sub­way last month.

–31st & 8th

Old la­dy: I am very much look­ing for­ward to in­tro­duc­ing you to my chick­en.

–8th & 5th

Over­heard by: I am too

Wednes­day One-Lin­er: The Mu­si­cal

Girl to class: I love clas­si­cal mu­sic! I lis­ten to the Bam­bi sound­track all the time!

–Cur­tis High School, Stat­en Is­land

Guy in lob­by, at in­ter­mis­sion: Hands down, the best band I’ve ever seen in con­cert… Hootie and the Blow­fish.

–Jazz at Lin­coln Cen­ter

Guy on cell: I guess they’re mu­si­cians. They put bitch­es ahead of prac­tice.

–79th St b/w York & 1st

Over­heard by: Queixa

Gay man to an­oth­er, walk­ing out of a bank: I mean, if you lis­ten to like, one Sade song every six years, it’s okay.

–15th St & 8th Ave

Les­bian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and lis­ten to Melis­sa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!

–Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Ka­teri

Straight girl with a seat at the pi­ano: No, I’ve nev­er been here be­fore, but I’m ac­tu­al­ly hav­ing a good time. I mean, I don’t know most of these songs, but ear­li­er he was play­ing The Sound of Mu­sic, and I was rock­ing out to that.

–Marie’s Cri­sis Pi­ano Bar

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Crazy old cat la­dy to guy who just shut off ob­nox­ious­ly loud mu­sic in next lane: Why’d you shut it off? I liked that song!

–Marathon Park­way & North­ern Boule­vard