Young woman at a party in Manhattan: “On the first day, the director of the department introduced us to the writing program and, when he asked us if we had any quesitons, one girl raised her hand and she asked, ‘Where are all the guys?’–that was the first question someone asked! I was so embarrassed.”
Archive for 2017
Tuesdays with Morrie Used to Be Way Less Awkward
Guy #1 holding porn DVD: I would so love to fuck a girl that was into DP.
Guy #2: Yeah, me too, but ball touching is so gay, and I’m trying to recover from the cock.
Headline by: Will
Runners-Up:
· “Because hot cock requires cold turkey” — Greg Costello
· “He also just had laser surgery for his masturbatory blindness” — remark
· “I know dad, i know.” — nick
· “I think there’s a 12 inch program for that.” — nick
· “Rectum? That rooster nearly killed ‘im!” — Dalton
· “Step One: Stop going to the porn shop with your “buddy”” — DanaLishs
And For You, Lion, I Have Some Overpriced Coffee
Guy: Well, it’s about what we think would happen if there was a Starbucks in the land of Oz.
Girl: Wow!
–Grand Saloon, 23rd between 3rd & Park
…Seriously, What’s with the Scales?
Guido to chef: Ew, that looks like raw fish! It looks like salmon! Is that fish?
Japanese chef, cheerfully: It’s chicken!
Guido: It looks like shit! I thought it was fish!
–Japanese Food Stand, Food Court, Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Ashamed to be Italian…
Wednesday One-Liners Ruffle Some Feathers
Underage drunk guy to girl: You know Boston Market? You know those chickens in the rotisserie in the window? Well, imagine yourself in that position. Don’t be Boston Market.
–Duane Reade, 34th & 3rd
WASP lady: It’s so annoying — birds chirping everywhere.
–Madison Square Park
Drunk guy: Hearing birds fucking is awful. This one time I saw this bird fuckin’ another bird in the ass. Then he pulls out and a couple of pellets pop out. The other bird was shittin’ on his fuckin’ dick, bro! Birds are fucked up, man!
–LIRR, between Flatbush Ave & Jamaica
Overheard by: Stevie
Bimbette: Did you see the Planet Earth series? Remember those birds doing the mating dance? Yeah, those birds were so hot. I would do them…
–Cold Stone, 86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Shaking my head at our sad culture
Young lady suit on cell: I have a feeling today is going to suck — the crazy bird man is strolling down the block as we speak. Yeah, the one I saw on the subway last month.
–31st & 8th
Old lady: I am very much looking forward to introducing you to my chicken.
–8th & 5th
Overheard by: I am too
The Horror. The Horror!
Woman #1: Oooh, child, I know your ass was fucked up from all that drinking!
Woman #2: Hell yeah, you know I was! Shit, I woke up in bed with that mothafuckah again!
Woman #1: Girl, who was it this time?
Woman #2: My fucking husband.
Woman #1: Damn.
–Jay St/Borough Hall train station
So You Think About Dick and You Get Hard? Heh.
College bro: No, you don’t understand. Thinking about the processes of government turns me on.
College chick: Really?
College bro: For serious. I think about dick Cheney and I get hard. I would vote for him and give up my right to vote if he could be supreme dictator.
–Hunter College
Overheard by: theclanmacgregor
Can’t We Stop This Madness and Do Meth Like Usual?
Dude leaving bathroom: Man, I really want some popcorn.
Man at bar stool: What, baby? You want some poppers?
Dude leaving bathroom, to friend: The sad thing is that’s not the first time that happened to me today.
–The Duplex
Technically It’s Her Second-Favorite Thing
Chick #1: I wonder why we never used lube. Lube…it’s great.
Chick #2: Um, yeah, it’s only like my favorite thing in the whole wide world.
–Canal & Lafayette
Wednesday One-Liner: The Musical
Girl to class: I love classical music! I listen to the Bambi soundtrack all the time!
–Curtis High School, Staten Island
Guy in lobby, at intermission: Hands down, the best band I’ve ever seen in concert… Hootie and the Blowfish.
–Jazz at Lincoln Center
Guy on cell: I guess they’re musicians. They put bitches ahead of practice.
–79th St b/w York & 1st
Overheard by: Queixa
Gay man to another, walking out of a bank: I mean, if you listen to like, one Sade song every six years, it’s okay.
–15th St & 8th Ave
Lesbian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and listen to Melissa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Kateri
Straight girl with a seat at the piano: No, I’ve never been here before, but I’m actually having a good time. I mean, I don’t know most of these songs, but earlier he was playing The Sound of Music, and I was rocking out to that.
–Marie’s Crisis Piano Bar
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Crazy old cat lady to guy who just shut off obnoxiously loud music in next lane: Why’d you shut it off? I liked that song!
–Marathon Parkway & Northern Boulevard
