Archive for 2017

If I Said You Had a Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Would You Hold It Against Me?

Chick on cell: And he had a tiny lit­tle body and a tiny lit­tle head, and I was just like, “um, no.”

–Equinox Gym, Wall Street

Over­heard by: La­dle

Se­cu­ri­ty guard, talk­ing about se­nior cit­i­zens: If they sit around the house all day be­cause they ac­tu­al­ly can’t use their legs, it’s fine. But if they can still use their legs and get around, but choose to stay at home, that’s no good. No good.

–Mu­se­um of Chi­nese in Amer­i­ca

Bar pa­tron to bar­tender: If you give me a free shot, I’ll rub your feet.

–Green­wood Heights

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Girl to friend: Well you know, it hurts at first… but then it ex­pands. (opens cleched fist with a larg­er hole) And then it feels like you have a tail!

–Sub­way Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Tor­grim

Just Re­mem­ber to Save the In­ter­course for Grades

Grad stu­dent girl: How did your work go to­day?
Grad stu­dent guy: Pret­ty good. I took some Adder­all. God, it helps–it’s like crack.
Grad stu­dent girl: Oh my god! Re­al­ly? I’ll suck your dick for a pill.
Grad stu­dent guy: Damn straight you will.

–Fish Bar, East Vil­lage

Over­heard by: John-John

You’re Dream­ing If You Think They’re In­ter­est­ing

Chick #1: One of my friend’s moms has un­holy thoughts about Char­lie Rose.
Chick #2: One of my friends has dreams about hav­ing sex with her fam­i­ly’s mini­van. And not hump­ing the side of it, ei­ther. We’re talk­ing full on, rid­ing the stick-shift sex. Hm­mm.
Chick #1: We run with an in­ter­est­ing crowd.

–1 train

Over­heard by: Djlindee

Here’s For­est Whitak­er to Ex­plain

Park Slope mom #1: I’m go­ing to be hon­est. We have night birds near my house.
Park Slope mom #2: Oh my god! Us too! I tried to re­port it!
Park Slope mom #1: Why are these birds chirp­ing at night? Don’t they need to sleep?

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: D‑Law

The Su­per­siz­ing Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Obese woman to an­oth­er (each wear­ing skin tight leg­gings and tank tops): Gur­rrll, you know you wrong! You not fat. Don’tcha know that the mir­ror makes you look heav­ier?

–In­wood, 207th St

Over­heard by: cat the great

Woman on cell: She looks aw­ful. Why is she so fat?

–Tomp­kins Square Dog Park

Over­heard by: dogsit­ting

Large man out­side ho­tel to bus dri­ver: I’m big, but I’m lazy. If you’re big and you lazy, you’re just lazy.

–8th Ave & 50th St

Over­heard by: Nicole

Obese woman: I just want a cheese­burg­er the size of my ass right now.

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Over-sun­screened man, cross­ing street: I’m get­ting fat! I’m eat­ing too much and I don’t like it!

–72nd & Am­s­ter­dam