Archive for 2017

As Long as We Maintain a Sense of Smug Superiority, We’ll Make It

Blonde #1: You know her parents are letting her study abroad next semester?
Blonde #2: Really? Where?
Blonde #1: Ummm, this place that’s near, like… Russia. Like, in China?
Blonde #2: Japan?
Blonde #1: No. Well, yeah, Japan’s in China, but that’s not the one she’s going to.
Blonde #2: India!
Blonde #1: No, but oh my god I totally just remembered! It’s New Zealand!
Blonde #2: New Zealand’s not in Russia, it’s in Australia, stupid.
Brunette passerby: I fear for this planet.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: MistressSilver

Wednesday One-Liners Choo-Choo-Choose You

Conductor: Attention downtown passengers. The train that just left the station was obviously not your train.

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Hey, it’s the MTA who should be spanked!

–Rector St.

Overheard by: Ladle

Small girl to mom: I like this train station the best because it has an elevator, and you can see the whole world outside. The whole wide beautiful world.

–Harlem Escalator, 1 Train

Overheard by: Mark Brinker

Guy: I get all my information from subway ads.

–F Train

Overheard by: Thom Cohen

Woman, hearing garbled announcement that E train is running as an F: No! They are takin’ all my E trains!

–E Train

Overheard by: I can has E train?

Crackhead: Make sure to take your newspapers with you on the way out of the train. I’m having company over later and I want it to look nice.

–Franklin Avenue Shuttle

Overheard by: shuttle rider

WEDNESDAY ONE-LINERS

Cab driver: Jersey, Jersey! What are you doing in New York? Do we go to Jersey? No!…unless we have to go to the Great Adventure.

–Taxi, 23rd & 7th

NY Post guy: Extra! Extra! Read all about it…Charlie Tuna, he’s dead! The Gorton’s Fisherman, he died too. Read it all today!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Allison

Barker: Tonight only! Special deal! A free game for White people! All Caucasians, one free game!

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Drew

Black guy: ’bout time y’all write tickets downtown. I thought y’all only did that shit up in Harlem!

–4th & Bowery

Overheard by: Emily McCombs

Cabbie: …and those Asians, they are the worst of all. They can’t see. They have no peripheral vision. They’ve got rice in their eyes!

–Taxi, Sullivan Street

You Put That in Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Woman, to friend: he was so excited, I thought his butt plug was going to shoot out of his ass.

–Spring Street and 6th St

Overheard by: Sarah O.

Dude in fur coat and construction boots: My mom asked me if I had a razor in my butt…

–Downtown ‘1’ Train

Husband to wife:
I can’t believe you just put your finger up my butt hole!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: bonifacia

Transvestite prostitute: I just got off my second and last date tonight… Man paid me 4 bills to stick my fingers in his booty.

–Meat-packing District

Overheard by: Erin

Guy on cell: you have to get drunk enough not to puke, but enough to take the piece of glass into your ass!

–Bleeker & Barrow

Overheard by: ivy270

Guy on cell phone passing by: normally when you say that, my asshole starts puckering!

–Union Square

I Love You, QVC!

Guy: Marriage is not for me. It's like having cable with only one channel.
Girl: Me either. My mama says it's like when you see some clothes in a store window and you think you want it, but you look at it for too long and change your mind. That's how I feel.
Guy: Dang! That's cold, son! You're comparing guys to clothes?! That ain't right!
Girl: You just compared women to tv channels.

–110th St & Broadway

Overheard by: CE

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Hot Right Now

Big muscular man on cell: It's so damn hot, I'm glad I'm not wearing makeup.

–Outside Tribeca Deli

Overheard by: Akiko

Conductor: This is 42nd Street, Times Square. Number 3 train across the platform. Get it while it's hot!

–Downtown 1 Train

Elderly black woman to no one in particular: It's so hot my pussy is melting!

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: lemchek

Enthusiastic girl: As soon as I saw his name in lights! His name is so hot! So I have to marry him!

–Thompson & W 3rd St

Guy: I'm telling ya that it was so damn hot in there that my balls rolled out from under my towel and fell on the floor… like they was trying to escape or something.

–Starbucks

Dude to friend: I wanna say she's hot… But I mean she looks like the type of girl who accepts Discover.

–The Village

What's So Great Aboot Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?

Man on subway, about to exit: Obama, Islam, Canada. Obama, in Islam, and Canada. (exits train)

–Downtown D Train

Overheard by: katiekatydid

Thug to tourists: How do you say "thank you" in Canadian?

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Fluent in Canadian

Student: I'm so sick and tired of your Canadian condescension.

–Eugene Lang College

Crazy Brooklynite at a payphone: The Queen owns everything! She owns Europe, she owns Africa, and she owns Canada! The one thing she doesn't own is the US. So could somebody give me a US quarter for a Canadian quarter?

–Broadway & 8th St

Ditzy blonde to another: Do we look Canadian?

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holls