Archive for 2017

As Long as We Main­tain a Sense of Smug Su­pe­ri­or­i­ty, We’ll Make It

Blonde #1: You know her par­ents are let­ting her study abroad next se­mes­ter?
Blonde #2: Re­al­ly? Where?
Blonde #1: Um­mm, this place that’s near, like… Rus­sia. Like, in Chi­na?
Blonde #2: Japan?
Blonde #1: No. Well, yeah, Japan’s in Chi­na, but that’s not the one she’s go­ing to.
Blonde #2: In­dia!
Blonde #1: No, but oh my god I to­tal­ly just re­mem­bered! It’s New Zealand!
Blonde #2: New Zealand’s not in Rus­sia, it’s in Aus­tralia, stu­pid.
Brunette passer­by: I fear for this plan­et.

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Mis­tress­Sil­ver

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Choo-Choo-Choose You

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion down­town pas­sen­gers. The train that just left the sta­tion was ob­vi­ous­ly not your train.

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Hey, it’s the MTA who should be spanked!

–Rec­tor St.

Over­heard by: La­dle

Small girl to mom: I like this train sta­tion the best be­cause it has an el­e­va­tor, and you can see the whole world out­side. The whole wide beau­ti­ful world.

–Harlem Es­ca­la­tor, 1 Train

Over­heard by: Mark Brinker

Guy: I get all my in­for­ma­tion from sub­way ads.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Thom Co­hen

Woman, hear­ing gar­bled an­nounce­ment that E train is run­ning as an F: No! They are takin’ all my E trains!

–E Train

Over­heard by: I can has E train?

Crack­head: Make sure to take your news­pa­pers with you on the way out of the train. I’m hav­ing com­pa­ny over lat­er and I want it to look nice.

–Franklin Av­enue Shut­tle

Over­heard by: shut­tle rid­er

WEDNES­DAY ONE-LIN­ERS

Cab dri­ver: Jer­sey, Jer­sey! What are you do­ing in New York? Do we go to Jer­sey? No!…unless we have to go to the Great Ad­ven­ture.

–Taxi, 23rd & 7th

NY Post guy: Ex­tra! Ex­tra! Read all about it…Charlie Tu­na, he’s dead! The Gor­ton’s Fish­er­man, he died too. Read it all to­day!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Al­li­son

Bark­er: Tonight on­ly! Spe­cial deal! A free game for White peo­ple! All Cau­casians, one free game!

–Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Drew

Black guy: ’bout time y’all write tick­ets down­town. I thought y’all on­ly did that shit up in Harlem!

–4th & Bow­ery

Over­heard by: Emi­ly Mc­Combs

Cab­bie: …and those Asians, they are the worst of all. They can’t see. They have no pe­riph­er­al vi­sion. They’ve got rice in their eyes!

–Taxi, Sul­li­van Street

You Put That in Your Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Woman, to friend: he was so ex­cit­ed, I thought his butt plug was go­ing to shoot out of his ass.

–Spring Street and 6th St

Over­heard by: Sarah O.

Dude in fur coat and con­struc­tion boots: My mom asked me if I had a ra­zor in my butt…

–Down­town ‘1’ Train

Hus­band to wife:
I can’t be­lieve you just put your fin­ger up my butt hole!

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: boni­fa­cia

Trans­ves­tite pros­ti­tute: I just got off my sec­ond and last date tonight… Man paid me 4 bills to stick my fin­gers in his booty.

–Meat-pack­ing Dis­trict

Over­heard by: Erin

Guy on cell: you have to get drunk enough not to puke, but enough to take the piece of glass in­to your ass!

–Bleek­er & Bar­row

Over­heard by: ivy270

Guy on cell phone pass­ing by: nor­mal­ly when you say that, my ass­hole starts puck­er­ing!

–Union Square

I Love You, QVC!

Guy: Mar­riage is not for me. It’s like hav­ing ca­ble with on­ly one chan­nel.
Girl: Me ei­ther. My ma­ma says it’s like when you see some clothes in a store win­dow and you think you want it, but you look at it for too long and change your mind. That’s how I feel.
Guy: Dang! That’s cold, son! You’re com­par­ing guys to clothes?! That ain’t right!
Girl: You just com­pared women to tv chan­nels.

–110th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: CE

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are So Hot Right Now

Big mus­cu­lar man on cell: It’s so damn hot, I’m glad I’m not wear­ing make­up.

–Out­side Tribeca Deli

Over­heard by: Akiko

Con­duc­tor: This is 42nd Street, Times Square. Num­ber 3 train across the plat­form. Get it while it’s hot!

–Down­town 1 Train

El­der­ly black woman to no one in par­tic­u­lar: It’s so hot my pussy is melt­ing!

–12th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: lem­chek

En­thu­si­as­tic girl: As soon as I saw his name in lights! His name is so hot! So I have to mar­ry him!

–Thomp­son & W 3rd St

Guy: I’m telling ya that it was so damn hot in there that my balls rolled out from un­der my tow­el and fell on the floor… like they was try­ing to es­cape or some­thing.

–Star­bucks

Dude to friend: I wan­na say she’s hot… But I mean she looks like the type of girl who ac­cepts Dis­cov­er.

–The Vil­lage

What’s So Great Aboot Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Eh?

Man on sub­way, about to ex­it: Oba­ma, Is­lam, Cana­da. Oba­ma, in Is­lam, and Cana­da. (ex­its train)

–Down­town D Train

Over­heard by: katiekaty­did

Thug to tourists: How do you say “thank you” in Cana­di­an?

–34th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Flu­ent in Cana­di­an

Stu­dent: I’m so sick and tired of your Cana­di­an con­de­scen­sion.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Crazy Brook­lynite at a pay­phone: The Queen owns every­thing! She owns Eu­rope, she owns Africa, and she owns Cana­da! The one thing she does­n’t own is the US. So could some­body give me a US quar­ter for a Cana­di­an quar­ter?

–Broad­way & 8th St

Ditzy blonde to an­oth­er: Do we look Cana­di­an?

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Holls