Archive for 2017

Wednes­day Re­al­ly Pumps Out the One-Lin­ers

Guy to fe­male friend: There’s a guy in the Howard Street fes­ti­val that ejac­u­lates like 20 feet.

–E 3rd St & 1st Ave

Guy: The world is my cum­rag!

–4th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Jor­dan Bruce

Woman on cell: Yeah, it was great. We man­aged to buy enough sperm for three kids.

–32nd & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Matt

In­tox­i­cat­ed col­lege boy to friend: I don’t want to jism on a girl’s back…yet.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: watch­ing her back

Suit get­ting off train, turn­ing around and yelling: Was it se­men? (waves good­bye)

–1 Train

Over­heard by: hsw

Rest in Peace, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Anorex­ia on cell: Oh, she died? From what?…Oh, that’s hor­ri­ble. Well, every­one has to die some­how.

–Cof­fee shop, Madi­son & 79th

Over­heard by: Julz

Cab dri­ver: Are you try­ing for die, bitch?

–Taxi, Hous­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Aaron Brumer

Girl on cell: …and they took me to a psy­chic and the psy­chic said I’m, like, dead in­side and that I have noth­ing go­ing for me.

–Broad­way & Broome

Guy: I’ll tell you what: I’ll kill my­self, you don’t have to both­er.

–47th & 5th

Woman on cell: Girl, you know I on­ly got­ta do two things: stay black and die. And I’m do­ing that re­al well. Stay­ing black, I mean.

–Kar­avas Place ladies’ room, W. 4th Street

Girl: Oh, so I for­got to tell you about my ex who died last year. He drowned…this is a good sto­ry.

–World Fi­nan­cial Cen­ter

Or Ug­ly Peo­ple… Still You.

Woman dig­ging through scarves: Do you think these are for old­er peo­ple?
Male pal: Yes, for old­er peo­ple. For you.

–The Met store

Over­heard by: ak­ka

Head­line by: Stretchen

· “De­finete­ly In The Friend Zone” — Dion
· “Nev­er In­sult a Woman with a Per­fect Chok­ing De­vice” — Megan
· “No One Said Ash­ton Kutch­er Was Bright” — punk’d
· “That’s It. I’m Leav­ing My Teeth in Next Time I Blow You.” — lal­a­dy­po­et
· “They Help Catch the Drool” — Dan
· “Well That’s the Last He’ll See Of the Sag­ging Sis­ters” — L

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test