Archive for 2017

“…or give him the back door. Then he’ll for­give any­thing.”

Girl #1: I feel like shit. I should­n’t have slept with that guy.
Girl #2: So what kind of sweater are we look­ing for?
Girl #1: Any­thing nice that proves how much I love him.
Girl #2: You should get him a white sweater. White is the col­or of re­morse, I think.
Girl #1: But then he’ll un­der­stand I cheat­ed on him. He might ac­tu­al­ly be sus­pi­cious al­ready if I buy him a present with­out an ap­par­ent rea­son.
Girl #2: Just make him din­ner then.

–Ba­nana Re­pub­lic, 5th Ave.

I Won the Tri­fec­ta

Short man: So, my ther­a­pist told me to take off my clothes and look in­to the mir­ror.
Tall woman: Why?
Short man: To con­front my in­ner midget.
Tall woman: Your in­ner what?
Short man: Midget.
Tall woman: Don’t you think that’s po­ten­tial­ly of­fen­sive to midgets?
Short man: Why? Some peo­ple are para­noid, some are neu­rot­ic, some are short.

–Tea Lounge, 7th Ave & 10th St, Park Slope

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Hear the Call of Cthul­hu

Hobo to teen girl with red hands: Wow, your hands are so red. You must have a con­di­tion. Yeah, that’s what it must be, a con­di­tion. You know, I have a con­di­tion, too. I’m a were­wolf.

–4 train

Girl: Jew­ish les­bians? Are you kid­ding me? They don’t ex­ist. That’s like vam­pire cow­boys.

–16th St & Park Ave South

Over­heard by: C‑Star

30-ish al­ter­naguy: No, man, he was like a mer-wolf… You know, like a mer­maid and a were­wolf in one.

–Spring & Lafayette

Hot blonde: But we re­al­ly are just male elves with long hair and boobs!

–140th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Three-Head­ed Mon­ster

Dude on cell: Yeah and then she start­ed whin­ny­ing in ex­cite­ment right on top of me, like a fuck­ing uni­corn or some shit… Yeah, I guess it was pret­ty hot.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Shane

Small, ex­cit­ed Mex­i­can child: Is it zom­bies? I know — it’s the Grim Reaper!

–D train, 36th St ata­tion

Over­heard by: Jon A.

For Those of You Who Miss Su­per­mar­ket Sweep

Five-year-old boy, crowd­ed around his moth­ers’ black­ber­ry with younger sis­ters: 5… 4… 3… 2… 1! Mom­my… time’s up!
Moth­er, who had been rush­ing around the sale room with just one item: [Ddis­ap­point­ed] Okay, okay. I guess I’ll just take this one sweater…

–An­thro­polo­gie

Over­heard by: amused shop­per

To­fu : Veg­eta­bles :: Dick Ch­eney : Hu­mans

Veg­gie-cu­ri­ous girl: I like to get this re­al­ly great dress­ing and then add all sorts of in­ter­est­ing veg­eta­bles.
Sup­port­ive friend: Like what?
Veg­gie-cu­ri­ous girl: To­fu!

–Rock­e­feller Plaza

Over­heard by: re­cep­tion­ist

Head­line by: Ed­dieA

Run­ners-Up:
· “And Crou­tons!” — Vanes­sa
· “Gesund­heit!” — Sandy Paws
· “If Re­gan Can Make Ketchup a Veg­etable, Why the Fuck Not?” — Hum­ber­to
· “It’s the Oth­er White Veg­etable” — do2na
· “Some­times I Get Crazy and Add Ba­con Bits!” — Bot­ti­cus
· “The Vi­t­a­min De­fi­cien­cy Re­lat­ed Death Was Re­al­ly No Sur­prise” — Pro­le­tari­at

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

But Not for Re­al

Thug: Hey, man… You look like you’re from Cal­i­for­nia with that hair. Are ya?
Guy with long blond hair: Yes, I am.
Thug: How you like ‘at? I been thinkin’ about movin’ out to Cal­i­for­nia.
Guy with long blond hair: It’s great — peo­ple are more re­al here in New York, though. I used to live in San Fran­cis­co, which is a great.
Thug: Oh, how far is San Fran­cis­co from Cal­i­for­nia?
Guy with long blond hair: San Fran­cis­co is in Cal­i­for­nia.
Thug: Oh, what city is it in?
Guy with long blond hair: San Fran­cis­co… Okay, this is my stop.

–Man­hat­tan-bound F train

Over­heard by: Dave S