Archive for 2017

And She Shows Up for It

Girl #1: Where was Liz last night?
Girl #2: Oh, you did­n’t hear?
Girl #1: Hear what?
Girl #2: She went to her boyfriend’s grand­moth­er’s 82nd birth­day!
Girl #1: Oh, that’s sweet. Why are you so up­set by that?
Girl #2: Her boyfriend’s grand­moth­er died four years ago! Ap­par­ent­ly the fam­i­ly has been cel­e­brat­ing it every year! They have a cake with can­dles and every­thing.

–16th & 7th

That’s Why I On­ly Date Home­less Nymphos Who Don’t Eat

Mer­rill Lynch yup­pie: I paid my girl­friend’s rent! And her food! And I on­ly get to have sex with her once a month! And it’s been like this for my past two re­la­tion­ships! I think I can han­dle hav­ing sex five times a month…
Girl: That’s too much!
Mer­rill Lynch yup­pie: I make $1.5 mil­lion a year in Mer­rill Lynch!

–Tre Restau­rant

Over­heard by: D

New York Women Know They’re Beau­ti­ful

Techie in suit: I mean, there are two rea­sons. A: it’s bet­ter.
Meat­head friend: Uh-huh.
Techie: A: it’s warmer.
Meat­head: Uh-huh.
Techie: B: the women there are much more re­cep­tive to thin­ly veiled sug­ges­tion.
Meat­head: Uh…
Techie: What I mean by that is that they have low self es­teem. I do my best work with low self es­teem.

–14th St & 8th Ave Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Mold­ing Young Minds

Eng­lish teacher: Class, I’d like you to re­mem­ber where the line is. It is al­ways mov­ing, and it is de­ter­mined by me.

–Bronx Sci­ence

Over­heard by: HJWC

Eng­lish teacher: I rose up in­to the air and flew out the win­dow… You did­n’t no­tice this?

–Hunter Col­lege High

Over­heard by: stu­pid eng­lish stu­dent

Old teacher: Okay, there are three rules in this class­room, and I am com­plete­ly se­ri­ous. Num­ber one, no swear­ing. Num­ber two, no scuf­fles. Num­ber three, no sex un­til 3:20 when you can do what you want.

–Grace Church School

Teacher: I’m a huge fan of bath­room stall graf­fi­ti! My fa­vorite from this school is in the third floor bath­room: ‘If you can read this, you are poop­ing.’

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Teacher to an­oth­er: You are a he­m­or­rhoid in my ass.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Health teacher: Drug abuse is a symp­tom of sui­cide.

–Hunter Col­lege High

Eng­lish teacher: The next scene is about sex, so pay at­ten­tion. You might learn some­thing.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

They Had the Same Prob­lem With A Bronx Tale

Girl #1: Where did the first movie take place?
Girl # 2: I thought it was Aus­tralia, cause, you know, that was part of the British em­pire and all.
Girl #1: I think it was some Asian coun­try. Did­n’t they talk about Sin­ga­pore a lot?
Girl #2: Yeah, maybe some place like that.
Girl #1, af­ter a few min­utes: Oh, shit, the Caribbean!

Pi­rates of the Caribbean II, movie the­ater, 34th St

Over­heard by: An­ny O and S. Bitchards

Shit Your­self Once, Shame on You…

NYU stu­dent #1: So, you know that part in Teenage Mu­tant Nin­ja Tur­tles where Raph gets jumped by the Foot Clan, and they have to bring him to April’s place be­cause he’s a tur­tle, and tur­tles need wa­ter, so they put him in the bath­tub?
NYU stu­dent #2: Yeah, sure.
NYU stu­dent #1: Yeah, they had to do that with her, ’cause she got so fucked up she shit her­self.
NYU stu­dent #2: Again?

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Jayso