Archive for 2017

The Literal Opposite of “#1 Dad”

Guy #1: Bitches are all emotional, guys use their head. That is why I call emotional guys “bitches.”
Guy #2: Word.
Guy #1: But bitches are crazy, they will call the cops on you now. They will slap themselves in the face and when the cops show up they will point at you.
Guy #2: Fo’ sho’.
Guy #1: That is why I ain’t got no kids. I don’t want a bunch of my seed running around and people calling me a scumbag because I don’t take care of my kids. Bitch will turn on you for that child support.
Guys #2: I know my girl ain’t gonna be doing that because she know I’m only making minimum wage.

–1 train

He’s Just Not That Into You

Drunk girl: How much is a Miller Light tall boy?
Beer vendor: $3.
Drunk girl: How about $2.50?
Beer vendor: $3.
Drunk girl: How about $2.75 and my phone number?

Drunk girl gives beer vendor cell phone number.

Beer vendor: $3.

–Penn Station, LIRR

Overheard by: LC
Headline by: Anna-Liza

Runners-Up:
· “Your Jedi Mind Tricks Don’t Work While Drunk” – Anna Nio
· “‘Mommy, How Did You and Daddy Meet?'” – Becca
· “But in Syosset, I’m Beautiful” – Anastasia Beaverhausen

Honorable Mentions:
· “Losing Her Dignity for a Miller Light: Priceless” – mellamaphone
· “Ah, the Reflexive Property of Beer” – Mikey G
· “In his Defense, He Advertises ‘Cold and Frosty'” – Mike T
· “Yeah, I Tried that Line with the Laundry Machine Yesterday” – jumanji
· “C’mon! My Number Really Is 867-5309.” – will manning

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners See the World With Fresh Eyes

Little boy to dad: Does the Statue of Liberty have a claw?

–Battery Park

Little boy to mother: Will you hurry up? You're slower than my aunt Jebediah in the bathtub!

–Clark St, Brooklyn

Four-year-old boy to mother: And then you fed me…from your belly button!

–Old Navy Store

Overheard by: Joyfully Yours

Little boy playing with friend: Buenos dias, reptile!

–Astoria Park

Overheard by: Julie & Zane

Blond six-year-old, looking at father's New Yorker magazine: What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?

–Doma Cafe

Seven-year-old with Spiderman backpack: Dad, have I lost my youth?

–1 Train

Little girl with pigtails, running to sit with family: We're going to the dark side!

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park