Archive for 2017

The Is­land of Dr. Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleed­ing? [un­in­tel­li­gi­ble re­ply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [re­ply] We have to find a way to sep­a­rate the cows from the sheep.

–El­e­va­tor, 56th & 8th

Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a lla­ma! An­oth­er cock­tail and a lla­ma!

–Ter­mi­nal 5

Dude: So you’re en­joy­ing act­ing, LA, monogamy, hors­es?

–Cafe Es­peran­to

Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not do­ing shots out of that al­li­ga­tor!

–TriBeCa

Over­heard by: lalala

Swanky pin-stripe suit on cell­phone: The lit­tle shit will def­i­nite­ly get ap­proved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox.

–51st & 3rd

Over­heard by: IG

Young black dude: You know the movie The Li­on King? Yeah The Li­on King! …You know, the one with all the tigers.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: BQM la­dy

Man: Man­a­tees are the most peace­ful crea­tures in the world… They get hit by mo­tor boats!

–As­tor Place

Dear Di­ary, Reynolds Ad­mit­ted He Loves Me To­day! Well, Al­most.

Girl: Why don’t you ever in­vite me to the dorms?
Guy: ‘Cause if you wan­na come, you should ask.
Girl: Well, do you want me to come over?
Guy: If I don’t have to study, yeah.
Girl: Well then you should in­vite me!
Guy: Why?
Girl: ‘Cause it would make me hap­py!
Guy: What the hell do I care?
Girl: Well, you would­n’t go down on me if you did­n’t want me to be at least pleased.
Guy: That…is prob­a­bly the best ar­gu­ment you could have made.
Girl: I’m so glad no one speaks Eng­lish on this train.

–1 train

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

This Is the Line Vad­er Should Have Tak­en with Luke

Black dude on cell: So I got her preg­nant. And she want­ed me to care and shit, and I was like, ‘I’m a street nig­ga!’ And you know what I’m sayin’, ’cause you’re one, too. I did­n’t want to be a fa­ther. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit — all mug­ly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lac­ing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.

–E train