10-year-old boy #1: I was wearing my mom's bikini.
10-year-old boy #2: No, me too, I was wearing two of my mom's bikinis.
–The High Line
Archive for 2017
The Appletini Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree
Little girl: I'm sooo drunk!
Nanny: Don't stay that! That's not a nice thing to say.
Little girl: It's what my mom says.
–73rd & 2nd
Overheard by: notyetawino
Little Kid: I’m Biding My Time
Queer #1 glaring at nearby smoker lady: Ugh!
Queer #2: I hope she gets cancer. [Woman passes a little kid and enters museum.] That little kid should’ve kicked her.
–Outside the Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Caulfield
Out of What, Now?
Old white husband: What are lamb chops?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for dinner all the time.
Old white husband: What are they?
Old black wife: I used to buy them for you!
Old white husband: I don’t remember, tell me what they are.
Old black wife: They’re like pork chops, but made out of lamb.
–D train
Overheard by: daniela
Fire Claims Lives of Hundreds of Potter Freaks; Arson Suspected
Frat boys shouting: Voldemort! Voldemort!
Gryffindor girl to friend: If that fucking Slytherin reads the last page aloud to me, I swear I’m going to shove this fucking wand up his nose!
–Harry Potter Midnight Madness Party, Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Pat Miller
Once Upon a Time in Wednesday One-Liner…
Bag lady: The Republicans are trying to regain power by removing all the African Americans and replacing them with Latinos.
–Jamaica LIRR Station
Woman to boyfriend: You know, I'm really glad I met you instead of a Mexican.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: true romantic
Asian girl on phone with her mother: He's not a regular Hispanic, you know, he speaks English, recycles, and likes museums.
–Washington Square Park
Lady at shop: Are you Mexican? My ex was Mexican. He was shorter than me, but I loved him. Until he stabbed someone. (pause) Sweetheart, I need a lot of napkins–I don't have my top teeth.
–President & Smith
And What's More Hilarious Than Middle-aged Sex?
Comedy show promoter: Comedy show tonight! 50% off, right here! What about you guys?
Middle-aged woman with husband: No thanks, we're seeing a movie.
Comedy show promoter: What about after your movie? We got late shows too!
Middle-aged woman: That's when we go home and have sex. Thanks, though.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Laura
Everybody's Like This After Paying the U-Haul Bill
Woman: I'll tell you why.
Man: Okay.
Woman: Do you know why?
Man: No.
Woman: Do you know why?
Man: No. Woman, do you know why?
Woman: Do you know why?
Man: No, but I would like to know.
Woman: I don't know either.
–U-Haul Store, The Bronx
Overheard by: Mike
It’s the Adjective That Describes the Instrument With Which I’m Going to Kill This Girl Behind Us
Girl, talking loudly on cell: Oh my God! I can’t wait ’til I get home to smoke a blunt. No, seriously, I can’t wait!
Young child in front of her: Mommy, what’s a blunt?
–Arrival flight, LaGuardia Tarmac
Overheard by: No you didn’t!
She’s a Vegan — Pass the Cheesecake
Girl #1: So I was thinking about milk the other day. Milk comes from cows. And what do cows eat?
Girl #2: Other cows?
Girl #1: No, dumbass! They eat grass! So it stands to reason, when you drink milk, you’re actually drinking liquified grass.
Girl #2: Ugh, gross! I’m so not drinking milk anymore.
Girl #1: Totally, that’s why I drink soy.
–Veniero’s, 11th St & 1st Ave