Archive for January, 2018

…And a Milk­shake, Please.

Woman in store: Let me get a ba­con and cheese on a roll.
Deli guy: Okay, ba­con egg and cheese on a roll.
Woman: No eggs! I have high cho­les­terol, I’m try­ing to stay away from that… Just ba­con and cheese on a roll, and put some may­on­naise on it. (mut­ters un­der her breath) Psh­hh, eggs, you tryin to kill me with high cho­les­terol.

–Lafayette Ave & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

Go Back Where You Came from, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Woman: I just have a lot of left­over Mex­i­can anger…

–7 train

Over­heard by: Elle-train

Man: This guy is a well-known thief, and he’s mad at me for rat­ting him out about some­thing every­one knows. You just can’t trust any­one, and that’s how I feel about all Cana­di­ans.

–NYU

Over­heard by: Eleanor

Ston­er: That girl was ei­ther French or re­tard­ed…

–14th St

Over­heard by: jen­na

Chick on cell: If you can’t tell what it is, it’s an arm­less man­nequin with a wed­ding dress half on, breasts bared, with a nice Mex­i­can woman pos­ing her for me.

–Harlem

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Bois­ter­ous SI woman: Just push those for­eign­ers out of the way. I’ve got your back — they just want to see the green bitch in the wa­ter!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: Mr. An­der­son & Po­ki

When Gay Boys Turn Straight in Self-De­fense

Dude #1: So my room­mate keeps jerkin off at my com­put­er.
Dude #2: That’s fucked.
Dude #1: It did­n’t both­er me at all till I smelled my chair. So I con­front­ed him.
Dude #2: What hap­pened?
Dude #1: He said he’d put some­thing on the chair next time. I guess I’m sup­posed to be okay with him pop­pin one off at my desk, I guess.

–Bell­house Bar

Over­heard by: bil­ly

I’ll Have My Sec­re­tary Do It

30-some­thing guy to group: So yeah, I mean my ex-wife found out I bought a new car, a Benz, and that my new girl­friend was dri­ving around in it. So she got all pis­sy and told me to buy her a car. So I bought her the shit­ti­est Toy­ota I could find at the used car lot. No joke, this thing is a death trap. I hope she burns alive in it.
Friend: Um, don’t you have kids?
30-some­thing guy: Yeah, so?
Friend: Does­n’t your ex-wife dri­ve the kids?
30-some­thing guy: Oh fuck me, now I have to tell her that I tried to kill her.

–Metro North Train

Over­heard by: Just Try­ing to Sleep…