Archive for March, 2018

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers! They’re Just Like Us!

Creepy dad, cheer­ful­ly, to sev­en-year-old daugh­ter: There’s on­ly one Lind­say Lo­han!

–Down­town 1 train

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Jew­ish girl to friend: You know how ever since I got my shnoz done peo­ple tell me I look like Amy Wine­house?

–116th St & Broad­way

Crazy black guy on bus, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: Derek Jeter looks just like Robert Deniro, man… Just like him!

–N6 Bus

Over­heard by: looks like paris hilton?

Larg­er re­porter: I’m not go­ing to save clothes that fit me be­fore I gained weight in case I lose it. If I lose weight, I’m go­ing to buy some new damn clothes. I don’t want to wear stuff from 1987. I’ll look stu­pid, I’ll look like Mis­cha Bar­ton.

–Mid­town Of­fice

Over­heard by: you wont be mis­cha’s size

Hip­ster girl to friend: I mean, I re­al­ly like him… But he thinks Riv­er Phoenix is a place.

–East Vil­lage

Which Makes It Easy to Avoid

Woman: This is gonna take for­ev­er, is­n’t it? And the ser­vice is from four to six.
Man: Four to six? It’s al­ready 5:34.
Woman: Yeah, but you know black folk al­ways late. The on­ly black folk that’s on time is Tyler Per­ry. That show start at eight. Eight o’­clock comes around, that show is start­ing.

–Bx12 Bus

I Like It Bet­ter When They Talk About Star­bucks

Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a con­dom.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Daniel

Girl: Don’t let me talk to boys af­ter I take blue pills.

–31st & 2nd

Girl #1: Some­times he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.

–out­side The Brook­lyn Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: Josh Neufeld

Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I was­n’t re­al­ly raped.

–Ver­ti­go, 26th & 3rd

Yup­pie chick #1: Sweet­ie, you’re go­ing to get raped dressed like that.
Yup­pie chick #2: No. I have an um­brel­la.

–De­lancey & Allen

Over­heard by: Mitchell Linet­ti

Like MTV Made, or What?

40-some­thing drunk Ital­ian man in po­lo short and jeans: They tried to make me a made man when I was 16. Do you get what I’m sayin? I’ve got fuck­ing con­nec­tions. I know Duke. I know my broth­er. I know my dad.
40-some­thing white man in jeans, Hawai­ian shirt and long blond wig: No, but these peo­ple own the Bronx.
40-some­thing drunk Ital­ian man in po­lo short and jeans: Why do you have to be a dick? I told you, they tried to make me. I said no, but I still know my dad and Duke. If they try to hit you again, I got you. (yelling) Do you un­der­stand what that means? Made man? I was al­most made!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Been For­mat­ted to Fit Your Screen

South­ern tourist: By the way, if you’re ever watch­ing Law and Or­der, this is where every­one gets mur­dered and gets raped.

–Cen­tral Park South

Over­heard by: Adam Schiff

Man lunch­ing with bud­dy: No, I’m not a monk. That was just TV.

–18th & 5th

Crazy guy, through ven­ti­la­tor: Sono­co… Ca­ble­vi­sion… Sono­co… Ca­ble­vi­sion… Sono­co… Ca­ble­vi­sion…

–West End Ave

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Trad­er on cell: Well, she’s cer­tain­ly not MTV yet — not VH1. She’s more like 60 Min­utes.

–Trad­ing floor, NY Stock Ex­change

Over­heard by: Trad­er Joey

Hot girl to boyfriend: See, I don’t think ass sex is nec­es­sar­i­ly some­thing I want to do whilst watch­ing X‑Files

–Pietrasan­ta Restau­rant, Hel­l’s Kitchen

Over­heard by: Ta-da!

En­thu­si­as­tic hobo: What time is Des­per­ate House­wives on?!

–As­tor Pl

Man, af­ter chang­ing his shoes in a live­ly man­ner: What, you nev­er saw Mr. Rogers?

–Ja­maica-bound E train

Over­heard by: He Was Quite Hand­some.….

But It’s in the Za­gat Guide!

Girl #1: I just want some­one to love me!
Girl #2: I love you!
Girl #1: But will you lick my pussy?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: I rest my case.

–S’­MAC — Sar­i­ta’s Mac­a­roni & Cheese

Over­heard by: Bruce Lee

Va­ri­ety: Torch Chick Does­n’t Click

Tourist girl #1, look­ing at Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty: I don’t get it.
Tourist girl #2: Don’t get what?
Tourist girl #1: Why a chick with a torch? I mean, hon­est­ly — what Amer­i­can came up with the idea of build­ing a gi­ant chick with a torch?
Tourist girl #2: Ac­tu­al­ly, it was de­signed by the French.
Tourist girl #1: Well, that makes more sense. They’re al­ways putting up gi­ant, crazy things. The guy who did this should get to­geth­er with that Eif­fel Tow­er guy.
Tourist girl #2, shak­ing head and sigh­ing: Why am I friends with you?

–Cir­cle Line Fer­ry

Over­heard by: Kit­ty

You May Now Kiss the Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Woman: Just be­cause I’m mar­ried does­n’t mean I have to touch him!

–W 32nd & 5th

Street preach­er point­ing at ladies in short skirts: We’ve got­ta get them mar­ried! We can’t be havin’ them for­ni­cat­ing in the streets!

–59th & 5th

La­dy on cell: I mean, there were some fun­ny pic­tures… Whit­ney freak­ing on me just is­n’t what I had in mind… I just don’t re­al­ly want pic­tures of beer pong in my wed­ding al­bum, y’­know?

–Gramer­cy Park

20-ish girl on cell: Grand­ma, it is so im­por­tant that you are at my wed­ding. I need to have you there… Dad and I were talk­ing, and we’re go­ing to get you a re­fund­able tick­et… Just in case any­thing hap­pens.

–Chi­na­town­bus

Over­heard by: Kaiti

Man to friend: No, it’s over. We had the wed­ding planned and every­thing and then she nev­er got a di­vorce.

–NJ Tran­sit to Penn Sta­tion