Archive for June, 2018

Fe­cal Co­l­iform Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Bird­seed don’t know shit about shit!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

An­nounc­er: The 10:30… Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonko­ma is now board­ing on track eigh­teen. Shit…

–LIRR ter­mi­nal, Penn Sta­tion

Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer el­e­va­tor than we do! Shit.

–7th & 2nd

Over­heard by: BJ

Girl: Awww, all they have is shit!

–NYU din­ing hall

Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daugh­ter learned to say? ‘Oh, shit.’ And guess who she learned it from? Mom­my.

–Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus

Over­heard by: Robert

What’s Wednes­day and One-Lin­er and Red All Over?

Gay guy to friend: I was like “bitch, ei­ther you got reg­u­lar flow or heavy flow, which one is it?”

–14th St & Broad­way

Blonde on cell: Okay, so when does your pe­ri­od start? (pause) Mon­day? Okay, that’s great!

–High Line

30-some­thing on cell: Ugh. Now my pe­ri­ods are like mis­car­riages.

–Bleeck­er & Bow­ery

Woman to cashier: You guys don’t got no air on in here? Mmm-mm­m­mm. Y’all got menopausal women comin’ up in here? Uh-uh.

–Omega Gourmet Deli, 125th St

Over­heard by: Alex G.

Brunette to stranger: Don’t stand too close to me, I’m on my pe­ri­od. And it’s the sec­ond day, so it’s a re­al­ly heavy flow. (guy makes dis­gust­ed face) Just kid­ding, I’m preg­nant!

–116 St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Bar­bara Bush Is So Fuck­ing Self-right­eous

Lit­tle girl see­ing naked cow­girl: Mom­my, how come I can see that la­dy’s boo­bies?
Mom­my: Well, she’s let­ting every­body know it’s okay to breast feed.

–46th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Chad­wick Vo­gel

Head­line by: mbob­bin­son

Run­ners-Up:
· “…for Tips” — Melis­sa
· “And Why Did Dad­dy Just Walk In­to a Pole?” — TJ
· “Her Thong Lets Every­one Know Tips Are Ap­pre­ci­at­ed” — Dan­gel­lo
· “How Come I Can See Her Vagi­na?” — Pe­ter Mad­sen
· “Lat­er, She’ll Ride the Me­chan­i­cal Bull and Serve Us Milk­shakes” — Dawn Eliz­a­beth

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

…I’m Re­laxed! I’m Re­laxed, Moth­er­fuck­er!!

Guy on cell: So he fi­nal­ly gets back to me and says I’m ob­sess­ing about it and should just re­lax. Ob­sess­ing about it?! I should just re­lax?! He has the balls to say that I’m ob­sess­ing about this?! Do you be­lieve it?! How can he say I’m ob­sess­ing about it and should re­lax?! Ob­sess­ing about it! And I should re­lax! What the fuck does he mean, ob­sess­ing about it?

–6th Ave & 14th St

Over­heard by: Kevin Mc­Caf­frey

Too Soon?

NYU girl #1: I have so much work due in this next week that it’s not even fun­ny. I kind of want to kill my­self.
NYU girl #2, glanc­ing around: Don’t say things like that. Peo­ple ac­tu­al­ly take you se­ri­ous­ly around here.

–Star­bucks, Wash­ing­ton Sq Park

Over­heard by: prospec­tive nyu stu­dent … or not