Inconsiderate Asshole! At Least I Got the Rest of His Morphine.

Nurse: I once had a patient die on me. That shit stressed me out!

–E 16^th St

Overheard by: wendy chin

And Deriving Really Lame Metaphors

Fag: Women have life so easy.
Hag: I know, life is like served on a plate to women but they’re on a diet so then they pick out all the good stuff and push the plate to the side.
Fag: Too bad the diet doesn’t do anything, cause they’re still fat and complaining.

–Wendy’s, 57^th St

Does That Mean Your Dad Was Gettin’ Nun?

Elderly health teacher to 8^th grade students: Abstinence is the only way to ensure safety from STDs. Trust me.
Student: Oooh! Like a nun! (class laughs)
Elderly health teacher: Ugh! I don’t get it! Why does everyone laugh at nun jokes? Nuns are wonderful, empowered women. My mother was a nun, you know?

–93^rd & Amsterdam

Still Boasting About the Mayflower

Chick: So, where are you from?
Guy: I’m from Brooklyn.
Chick: No, you have an accent.
Guy: Oh yeah, well, my parents are Eurotrash.

–Broad & Exchange

Bitch, Please! Her Favorite Candy is Nose

NYU girl: So my friend had a class with Mary-Kate–
NYU boy: Uh huh.
NYU girl: –and they were all going around saying what their favorite books were. But when it got to Mary-Kate, she just said, “Well, my favorite candy is a Tootsie Roll.”

–Chipotle, East 8^th Street

Overheard by: monsi 

Define “Better”

Drunk boy: God, fucking Bedford is so fucking gentrified.
Drunk girl: Go to the Lorimer stop. It’s way better there.

–Bedford Avenue station

Overheard by: Ami

Except for All Those Fetuses

Girl #1: I think that most men prefer it closed.
Girl #2: You think? I would figure open to be easier access.
Girl #3: Oh, for God’s sake! No one has ever rejected me because of my vagina!

–61^st & Madison

If Not Dick, Then Dictionaries

Woman: If I don’t find a guy I want to date within the next year, then I’m going back to school.

–B3 Restaurant, Avenue B

Overheard by: Laura Walker

Got a Watch That Accurately Measures 30 Minute Increments?

Man: I sell watches. I’m going to have cards made… I’m a horologist.
Chick: I’m just a whore.

–50^th & 10^th

Overheard by: sister mary ann

Oh Jeez, Get Ready for a Rant About the Jews

Old black man: Do you believe in black Jesus or white Jesus?
White girl: White Jesus.
Old black man: I knew there was something wrong with you the minute I saw you.

–2 Train