Archive for July, 2018

Does That Mean Your Dad Was Get­tin’ Nun?

El­der­ly health teacher to 8th grade stu­dents: Ab­sti­nence is the on­ly way to en­sure safe­ty from STDs. Trust me.
Stu­dent: Oooh! Like a nun! (class laughs)
El­der­ly health teacher: Ugh! I don’t get it! Why does every­one laugh at nun jokes? Nuns are won­der­ful, em­pow­ered women. My moth­er was a nun, you know?

–93rd & Am­s­ter­dam

Bitch, Please! Her Fa­vorite Can­dy is Nose

NYU girl: So my friend had a class with Mary-Kate–
NYU boy: Uh huh.
NYU girl: –and they were all go­ing around say­ing what their fa­vorite books were. But when it got to Mary-Kate, she just said, “Well, my fa­vorite can­dy is a Toot­sie Roll.”

–Chipo­tle, East 8th Street

Over­heard by: mon­si

De­fine “Bet­ter”

Drunk boy: God, fuck­ing Bed­ford is so fuck­ing gen­tri­fied.
Drunk girl: Go to the Lorimer stop. It’s way bet­ter there.

–Bed­ford Av­enue sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ami

Hitler Did Kin­da Fo­cus on That One Star, Though…

Col­lege kid #1: …and the as­trologers are hav­ing to com­plete­ly change their pre­dic­tions be­cause Plu­to’s not a plan­et any­more.
Col­lege kid #2: That’s crazy.
Ran­dom guy: Don’t make fun of as­trol­o­gy. Hitler took as­trol­o­gy se­ri­ous­ly. So did Ronald Rea­gan. And kings and queens.

–1 train, 116th St

Over­heard by: bluekale
Head­line by: wig­gi­ty

· “Ac­tu­al­ly, The Queens On­ly Fol­low the Move­ments of Uranus” — John­ny B
· “As­trol­o­gists Pre­dict Ran­dom Man Wear­ing Jack Boots Will Dis­em­bow­el 2 Col­lege Kids” — dante mc­nasty
· “I Thought Ronald Rea­gan Got Rid of All the Queens” — C.J.
· “Just When I Had Heard That Stu­pid­i­ty Was in Ret­ro­grade…” — tm78
· “Nos­trad­um­bass Lives On” — kathy
· “Plu­to Is Just a Mick­ey Mouse Plan­et” — El­liott Sper­ber
· “Tau­rus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Cor­ner. Al­so, You Will In­vade Poland.” — Jim C.
· “What Did You Think the Star Wars Pro­gram Was About?” — Tom Dorey

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

It’s All About Ri­ta Now, MTV Gen­er­a­tion

Twin girl #A: Yeah, she said she was go­ing to do the school year here.
Unique girl: She came from Ken­tucky? Why did she come so far?
Twin girl #B: Louisiana is a state. Ken­tucky is an­oth­er state.
Unique girl: Oh, well why’d she come to New York? Could­n’t she stay in her house in Louisiana?
Twin girl #A: Um, no, a hur­ri­cane hit New Or­leans. That’s why she’s here.
Unique girl: Right, right. I for­got about that.

–Kew Gar­dens sta­tion