Young girl: I saw the funniest bum the other day. He was doing this little dance, it went like this. (mimics dance)
Friend (laughing): Yeah? Well, was he dressed up?
Young girl: Yeah, like a bum.
–50th & Broadway
Archive for September, 2018
Barney’s Urine Has a Small but Devoted Following
Young hipster: I want drink!
Concessions clerk: What? Snapple? What?
Young hipster: Drink! I want drink! [Pounds counter.]Concessions clerk, utterly confused: You are too young to drink.
Young hipster: I want drink! And purple!
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: attendee
This One Time at Ranch Camp
New Yorker: Are you a farmer?
Tourist: Noooo. I went to Ranch Camp, but I’m not a farmer.
–F Train
Wednesday One-Liners Are Retaining Sperm
20-something woman on cell: I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, but then I realized I was just always hungover.
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get pregnant for? She needed to lose some weight.
–Bowery
Hyper chick: He got me knocked up with this giant pretzel!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Pretzel Vendor
20-something girl to friend: Oh, so you’re thinking because it’s Memorial Day weekend you’re gonna get preggers?
–Hoyt-Schermerhorn Subway Sation
Guy, about a couple who’d broken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit happens, and she got pregnant.
–Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ashley
Lady suit on cell: Well, unless you want to get me pregnant, I’m not sure I see a way around this!
–Columbus Circle
Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Larry
TV: ‘It’s official — Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency…‘
Secretary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Secretary #2: I don’t know… I have to see who else is running.
Service associate: You think a woman can handle these 52 states? This is a big continent — you think a woman can handle that?
–Montefiore Medical Center
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· “At least we knew Monica could handle a big load” — Roxi
· “I mean, really, Debbie could only handle Dallas.” — Mikie
· “If she can’t handle the small “jobs” at home…” — Kenneth
· “Men lying about size? Yeah, a woman can handle that.” — bella
Wednesday One-liners Are a Dumb Idea
Suit on cell: Yeah, but none of us respect Alex…Why? Because he’s a retard!
–53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Sara B.
You Can’t Spell Aneurysm Without EU
Businesswoman: Even though they smoked like chimneys and drank like fish, whatever, the south of France and Italy used to be much healthier than us.
–Midtown office
What? Dead? He Didn’t Deserve That!
Friendly young clerk: It’s terrible news about Vonnegut, isn’t it?
Old woman: I think he deserved to be fired! He shouldn’t be saying that racist stuff on the radio!
–Thrift Shop, 23rd & 3rd
…By Process Of Elimination
Guy: We should totally just trip out on acid and ride the subways all day.
Girl: Which train?
Guy: All of them.
–L Train
Overheard by: BB
I See You As More of an Anarcho-Syndicalist
20-ish guy: What do I want for lunch?
20-ish chick: I don’t know… Would you call me a socialist?
20-ish guy: No, not to your face.
–2 train
Overheard by: sarah
