Archive for November, 2018

Which Is Okay in His Home­town on Bizarro World

Dude #1: Yeah, Joe has no shame.
Dude #2: Yeah, he re­al­ly does­n’t… He slept with his first cousin.
Dude #1: Re­al­ly? How’d that hap­pen?
Dude #2: He just had a crush on her, like, his en­tire life.
Dude #1: Whoa, I did­n’t know that… Wow, that’s, like, kin­da nasty. But that kind of shit hap­pens. Chris slept with his cousin… But he at least got paid for it.

–6 train

Over­heard by: Michelle

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Still Pret­ty Spry

Old la­dy to guy push­ing cart with large mu­si­cal in­stru­ment case on top: Hey! Do you have a dead body in there?

–8th & 6th Ave

Old man: Tighty-whiteys! Tighty-whiteys! Does any­one know where the tighty-whiteys are? (pause) If any­one sees any tighty-whiteys, let me know.

–Good­will, Chelsea

Strung-out old la­dy: Call me! I’m go­ing to church, I need to pray for all of us!

–Mon­tague St, Brook­lyn

Long-haired old guy rid­ing bike very slow­ly, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: I hate you.

–Thomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: Eli

If You’re Against Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Don’t Have One

Opera di­rec­tor, af­ter tech sticks a wire hang­er un­der the ther­mo­stat box to turn up the heat: Well, some­one just got an abor­tion! (every­one stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brook­lyn Mu­sic School

Com­e­dy club pro­mot­er: Cheap­er than a Chi­nese abor­tion!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Mick­ey

Bar cus­tomer to bar­tender: You’re on­ly 22? I have an abort­ed fe­tus that’s old­er than you!

–110th & Am­s­ter­dam

Man sell­ing tick­ets: Help me pay for my girl­friend’s abor­tion by com­ing to the com­e­dy club!

–Times Square

Man to very preg­nant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had got­ten an abor­tion.

–D Train

Over­heard by: blis­tex­ad­dict

Cue Neil Di­a­mond

Cute but in­no­cent 20-some­thing: Guess where I’m go­ing tonight?
Old­er fe­male cowork­er: Oh, is tonight the night you’re go­ing out with the hock­ey team?
Cute but in­no­cent 20-some­thing: Yeah, I won a con­test! I’m go­ing to Pitts­burgh on a bus with the Is­landers.
Male cowork­er: And when you come back, you’ll be a woman.

–Star­bucks

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Cer­tain­ly, Mr. Has­sel­hoff

Cus­tomer: Um, ex­cuse me, I or­dered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burg­er girl: Oh my god… I’m sor­ry.
Cus­tomer: I mean, I like your cus­tard, and I like beer, but…
Ran­dom guy: Hey, can I have it?

–The Shake Shack

Over­heard by: craig and cory

CNN Needs More Scratch­ing and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, af­ter watch­ing Eliot Spitzer’s apol­o­gy: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’­da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmh­mm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it re­al.

–Ed­ward R. Mur­row High School