Archive for November, 2018

Which Is Okay in His Hometown on Bizarro World

Dude #1: Yeah, Joe has no shame.
Dude #2: Yeah, he really doesn’t… He slept with his first cousin.
Dude #1: Really? How’d that happen?
Dude #2: He just had a crush on her, like, his entire life.
Dude #1: Whoa, I didn’t know that… Wow, that’s, like, kinda nasty. But that kind of shit happens. Chris slept with his cousin… But he at least got paid for it.

–6 train

Overheard by: Michelle

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Pretty Spry

Old lady to guy pushing cart with large musical instrument case on top: Hey! Do you have a dead body in there?

–8th & 6th Ave

Old man: Tighty-whiteys! Tighty-whiteys! Does anyone know where the tighty-whiteys are? (pause) If anyone sees any tighty-whiteys, let me know.

–Goodwill, Chelsea

Strung-out old lady: Call me! I'm going to church, I need to pray for all of us!

–Montague St, Brooklyn

Long-haired old guy riding bike very slowly, to no one in particular: I hate you.

–Thompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Eli

If You're Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don't Have One

Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brooklyn Music School

Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mickey

Bar customer to bartender: You're only 22? I have an aborted fetus that's older than you!

–110th & Amsterdam

Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend's abortion by coming to the comedy club!

–Times Square

Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Cue Neil Diamond

Cute but innocent 20-something: Guess where I'm going tonight?
Older female coworker: Oh, is tonight the night you're going out with the hockey team?
Cute but innocent 20-something: Yeah, I won a contest! I'm going to Pittsburgh on a bus with the Islanders.
Male coworker: And when you come back, you'll be a woman.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Big Larry

Certainly, Mr. Hasselhoff

Customer: Um, excuse me, I ordered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burger girl: Oh my god… I’m sorry.
Customer: I mean, I like your custard, and I like beer, but…
Random guy: Hey, can I have it?

–The Shake Shack

Overheard by: craig and cory

CNN Needs More Scratching and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, after watching Eliot Spitzer’s apology: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmhmm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it real.

–Edward R. Murrow High School