Man: Virginity is a state of mind.
Woman: I beg to differ. My hymen has been ruptured.
–Brooklyn Lyceum
Archive for 2018
That’s Why She’s Dead
Preppy gay guy: I thought she already had cancer?
Preppy fag hag, dawning realization: You’re right! She did… definitely.
–Bleecker & Grove
Overheard by: jams
Clooney Claims Another Victim
As the credits for Syriana roll:
Woman: I think that movie outsmarted me.
Man: Yeah, I think the movie won.
–AMC theater, Lincoln Square
Overheard by: Allison
Hold My Ankles, Okay?
Girlfriend, drinking sake: This is the dumbest method of consuming alcohol I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen keg stands!
Boyfriend: I’ve done keg stands!
Girlfriend: I can’t believe I’m dating you.
–Blue Ribbon Sushi
Oprah Has a Flag Now?
Guy: And so then he threw up, right on like the flag of the American Jesus…
(girl nods her head)
–Entrance, Queens College
Only When I Went Into the Bathroom and Did Contortions, Though
Guy #1: Do you want to go here or Houlihan’s?
Guy #2: I went to Houlihan’s and it smelled like butthole.
Guy #1: Okay.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Clarktadd
That Country Being the UNITED STATES (Coming Soon)
Chick: So are you Japanese?
Waitress: No, I’m–
Chick: Chinese? Korean?
Waitress: –I’m Indonesian.
Chick: …where is that?
Waitress: Asia.
Chick: …Oh, you mean like, with Malaysia, Vietnam, Korea and all those others!
Waitress: Yes…
Chick: And they’re all related, right?…And they’re in the same country?
–Wasabi, Greenpoint
Aren’t Wednesday One-Liners Sweet?
Woman: Cake is obsolete.
–E 84th & 3rd
Overheard by: julia
Student giving Powerpoint presentation: Okay, so, um, this is a statue of the Prophet Haggai, and you can see in his hand he’s holding a scroll… Or maybe it’s a Cinnabon, I don’t know.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Lady on cell: It looked like a marshmallow with stick legs!
–Outside Brittany Hall
Girl on cell: We can get a cake and just… fill it with vodka.
–Lafayette Residence Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Emily
Man to woman: … Adult ice cream.
–23rd & 7th
Overheard by: maureen
Woman with hair bun: I’m not sure whether that makes me think of cake decorating or a veiny penis…
–Barcade, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ladle
I’m Too Sexy for My Wednesday One-Liners.
Comedian guy with flyer: Girl, you have some sexy nostrils!
–Broadway
Gay man to another: Next Halloween I am going to be a sexy tub of lard.
–Broadway & Spring
20-something hot girl on cell: So, like, Kristin was supposed to go as a water-boarding torture victim, which is hilarious, but then, she like, um, shows up as a *sexy* water-boarding torture victim, which is better than being, like, all gross and frumpy. But come on… that’s not funny.
–Q Train
Creepy old man: When I was was a kid… Coney Island was hot! I mean “sexy.” I mean it was… Bam!
–Neptune Ave
Overheard by: taylor
Girl on cell: It’s really not like a sexy stabbing.
–Centre St
It Won’t Work If It’s Just a Picture of a Toad
Club dude: May I ask you why you’re licking your handstamp?
Drunk teen guy: I wasn’t. They stamped me twice, and I had something in my tongue.
–The Knitting Factory, Leonard Street
