Archive for 2018

I’m Too Sexy for My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers.

Co­me­di­an guy with fly­er: Girl, you have some sexy nos­trils!


Gay man to an­oth­er: Next Hal­loween I am go­ing to be a sexy tub of lard.

–Broad­way & Spring

20-some­thing hot girl on cell: So, like, Kristin was sup­posed to go as a wa­ter-board­ing tor­ture vic­tim, which is hi­lar­i­ous, but then, she like, um, shows up as a *sexy* wa­ter-board­ing tor­ture vic­tim, which is bet­ter than be­ing, like, all gross and frumpy. But come on… that’s not fun­ny.

–Q Train

Creepy old man: When I was was a kid… Coney Is­land was hot! I mean “sexy.” I mean it was… Bam!

–Nep­tune Ave

Over­heard by: tay­lor

Girl on cell: It’s re­al­ly not like a sexy stab­bing.

–Cen­tre St

In­ter­est­ing­ly, This Is Ex­act­ly How Chris­tian­i­ty Works

JAP: Oh my god, I to­tal­ly have to go to my cous­in’s birth­day in a week. Like she is such a bitch!
Fol­low­er: I hate her be­cause you hate her.
JAP: What? I don’t hate her, she is just a lit­tle bitch.
Fol­low­er: Like, what’s the dif­fer­ence?
JAP, walk­ing away: The dif­fer­ence is you are no longer my friend and luck­i­ly you are sooo re­place­able.
Fol­low­er, run­ning be­hind: I’m sooo sor­ry! Please don’t do this!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

You There– Stop Tex­ting at Once!

Woman #1: I no­ticed last night you had your nails done.
Woman #2: I hope I did­n’t hurt you.
Woman #1: We just have to be care­ful not to stretch any­thing.
Woman #2: Let’s call Jim­my next time, he’s great from a di­rec­tive point of view.
Woman #1: I won­der if any­one’s lis­ten­ing to this con­ver­sa­tion…

–A Train

Tow­er of Bab­ble

Kid: I speak sev­en dif­fer­ent lan­guages.
Mom: The on­ly lan­guage you speak is Stu­pid.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Susspect

Head­line by: Matt Hig­gins


· “And your Man­darin is con­ver­sa­tion­al at best” — Greg Costel­lo

· “Bar­bara Bush reach­es her tip­ping point.” — Sab­ri­na

· “But I got the Vile Cunt ac­cent from you , mom.” — Chuck Roast

· “Kill his con­fi­dence so you don’t have to pay for Har­vard” — Kristin

· “Ob­vi­ous­ly, it’s his “Moth­er Tongue”” — Big Lar­ry

· “The wit of your re­ply has left me aghast and inar­tic­u­late, moth­er” — Grin­ning Id­iot

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

She’s the Cob, and They’re the Corn­hold­ers

Girl: There’s a Du­ane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Du­ane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wear­ing con­doms.

–84th & Broad­way

Suit #1: But what hap­pens if our cocks ac­ci­den­tal­ly touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it.

–52nd & Lex­ing­ton