Archive for 2018

If Only He Could See What He Was Saying

A blind Black man with a Star of David is holding court.

Black man: The Pope is a faggot. They molested my kids. I want to go to church, but I can’t because they molested my kids…now all White people are faggots.
Hispanic guy #1: How come they have kids?
Black man: Silence, you will wait until I have finished speaking…can’t no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That’s why we all in prison and they trying to kill us, but we will kill them. Can’t nobody sing like Luther Vandross.
Hispanic guy #1: But–
Black man: Wait until I have finished…now the Hispanic people, like Dominicans and Cubans are also the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel…now you may address me.
Hispanic guy #2: What about Black Puerto Ricans, are they from the lost tribe?
Black man: I can’t stand Black Puerto Ricans!

–West Farms bus stop, The Bronx

And That’s How They Came Up with the Idea for Speed

Bus rider, after bus detours: Hey, I wanted to get off at 106th! [Driver is silent. Passenger approaches him angrily.] Did you hear me? I want to get off this bus. Now! [Driver still silent.] Let me off this bus!
Bus driver: I’m gonna stop this bus when I feel like stoppin’ this bus, and then you are going to walk back to wherever you need to walk back to! I’m late and I ain’t stoppin’!
Tamer rider minutes later, 12 blocks since last stop: Can you please tell us when you might be stopping this bus again?
Bus driver: [Silence.]

–Bus #104, 108th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Humored Midwest tourist

The Irony is That Said Shirt was Brown

Stoner #1: So this fucking idiot was like, “Communism is the way, comrade.” And I was like, “Okay then, give me your shirt.” And he was like, “What, man?” And I was like, “If everything’s fifty-fifty, let’s just switch shirts for the day.”
Stoner #2: What’d he say then?
Stoner #1: He was like, “You got me, comrade. I need to think this one over.” And I was like, “Fuck yeah, you communist fuck.” Yeah, I told that guy all right.

–Bus to Port Authority

Overheard by: Cary Gitter