Archive for 2018

Cere­bral Cor­tex? No.…

Soror­i­ty girl tourist #1, about pho­to of guy on cam­era phone: Look at this glu­teus max­imus.
Soror­i­ty girl tourist #2: Oooh, nice glu­teus max­imus. Hey, what’s with all the weird body part names, any­way? Glu­teus max­imus…
Soror­i­ty girl tourist #1: Vul­va…

–34th & 8th

Over­heard by: Do­lores!

If On­ly He Could See What He Was Say­ing

A blind Black man with a Star of David is hold­ing court.

Black man: The Pope is a fag­got. They mo­lest­ed my kids. I want to go to church, but I can’t be­cause they mo­lest­ed my kids…now all White peo­ple are fag­gots.
His­pan­ic guy #1: How come they have kids?
Black man: Si­lence, you will wait un­til I have fin­ished speaking…can’t no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That’s why we all in prison and they try­ing to kill us, but we will kill them. Can’t no­body sing like Luther Van­dross.
His­pan­ic guy #1: But–
Black man: Wait un­til I have finished…now the His­pan­ic peo­ple, like Do­mini­cans and Cubans are al­so the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel…now you may ad­dress me.
His­pan­ic guy #2: What about Black Puer­to Ri­cans, are they from the lost tribe?
Black man: I can’t stand Black Puer­to Ri­cans!

–West Farms bus stop, The Bronx

And That’s How They Came Up with the Idea for Speed

Bus rid­er, af­ter bus de­tours: Hey, I want­ed to get off at 106th! [Dri­ver is silent. Pas­sen­ger ap­proach­es him an­gri­ly.] Did you hear me? I want to get off this bus. Now! [Dri­ver still silent.] Let me off this bus!
Bus dri­ver: I’m gonna stop this bus when I feel like stop­pin’ this bus, and then you are go­ing to walk back to wher­ev­er you need to walk back to! I’m late and I ain’t stop­pin’!
Tamer rid­er min­utes lat­er, 12 blocks since last stop: Can you please tell us when you might be stop­ping this bus again?
Bus dri­ver: [Si­lence.]

–Bus #104, 108th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Hu­mored Mid­west tourist

The Irony is That Said Shirt was Brown

Ston­er #1: So this fuck­ing id­iot was like, “Com­mu­nism is the way, com­rade.” And I was like, “Okay then, give me your shirt.” And he was like, “What, man?” And I was like, “If every­thing’s fifty-fifty, let’s just switch shirts for the day.”
Ston­er #2: What’d he say then?
Ston­er #1: He was like, “You got me, com­rade. I need to think this one over.” And I was like, “Fuck yeah, you com­mu­nist fuck.” Yeah, I told that guy all right.

–Bus to Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Cary Git­ter